Up by 6am, listening to 2000’s jams, doing yard work, wearing my back brace and stretching beforehand.

Gangster AF.

See also: expresso

Adding to the list of mispronunciations that I will slap someone for: “Hershey-govina”

When are we as a society going to finally admit that motion controls are objectively the worst way to play a video game?

Wanna stay employed so I started calling people “silly goose” instead of “dumb bitch” at work and wouldn’t you know it, these silly geese actually like it.

Tech Tip: Never tell a Boomer “Go ahead and enter your password”

Tell them “Please enter what you believe to be your password”

You’re welcome.

Why am I so anxious? I’m self-soothing with multiple shots of espresso and the Requiem For A Dream soundtrack, why aren’t I more relaxed???

You’re telling me #tigerwoods doesn’t have a driver??? You got that golf money and what, you’re still pushing a RAV4 yourself?

Born too early to explore the galaxy, born too late to awkwardly whisper “Dog Child” in the background of late 90s/early 2000s R&B jams.

I don’t court violence but if you have plenty of room on your side of the aisle and yet you still recklessly graze against/shoulder check me when we cross paths YOU BEST BELIEVE I’LL FUCKING FIGHT YOU

My lunchtime isn’t over after 30 minutes, it’s over when I’ve finished my food AND pondered the horrors of existence sufficiently..

OR when Janet from Accounting starts pounding on my door, whichever comes first.

Psalm 369: Damn she fine

Been sober 16+ years, but my brain still paints with an addict’s brush. Saw a TSA agent holding a “Pure Leaf” tea bottle, and I thought it was a bottle of Jack Daniel’s instead.

🥴

16.26 years sober and counting 💛

White people in the 2010s ruined burgers when they made them too tall to bite easily and charged $25 for one, and I feel like we’re creeping in that direction with cinnamon rolls now in the mid-2020s.

Cookie Monster is an addict, obviously, but a lesser known fact is that Telly is his sponsor.

Unapologetically using Spanish with all my white friends. Like bitch it’s 2026 how do you not know any words in Español?!?

The modern day equivalent of no AA batteries for your Gameboy is only having a 5 watt charger for your 65 watt device.

NO 👏🏼 ETHICAL 👏🏼 ROLLERCOASTER 👏🏼 TYCOONS 👏🏼

A Republican president is fucking up the country and I’m playing a new Metroid Prime game. The year is 2003.

A Republican president is fucking up the country and I’m playing a new Metroid Prime game. The year is 2026.

My toddler is approximately 73% rice

I can’t quite explain it, but it seems like every New England Patriots fan is an ICE supporter.

🤮

If you’re standing at my cubicle shouting about “we don’t have time to do that” for well over 15 minutes, I’m going to go out on a limb and say you do, in fact, have the time to do that.

Reality and satire are slowly converging.

Starting my musical career and going by the stage name Conejo Malo but only singing in English.

Martin Luther: I got 95 problems but Christ ain’t one

Living dangerously, over 40 edition.

I drove past not one, not two but three separate white vans without license plates on my way home tonight. What are the odds?

I’m like 93% certain the simulation is falling apart.

I’ve been sober over 16 years but I swear to god the hardest thing I’ve ever done was order just 3 extra shots in my coffee instead of 4 just now.

OMG I just heard one say “Scissors, Paper, Rock” in that order and not “Rock, Paper, Scissors”

(Please don’t hate me, Australians, I’m sure you’re nice people)

Going to start casually using the term “bout it bout it” in work settings.

“Oh Jim? Yeah he quit. Why? Cuz he wasn’t bout it bout it.”