So, have they stopped eating the dogs and eating the cats? I’m curious if all this ICE action has resulted in a cat and dog population boom.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.

Me: I have 4 kids.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Jeff Bezos’s wedding cost $50 million.

In related news I wash plastic forks so I can reuse them.

Me [whispering]: It's my wife's birthday so I was wondering if the staff could sing Happy Birthday to her?

McDonald's Cashier:

Daughter is texting me to complain about how hot her classroom is so it's a good thing I can control the high school's air conditioning from my iPhone.

Wanna feel old?

One year ago, Jon Bon Jovi was on the cover of AARP Magazine.

Trump and Elon divorce stuck on who gets legal custody of this photo.

I feel like I’ve stumbled upon Duolingo After Dark.

My son starts his first full-time job on Monday and I’m not looking forward to watching the light go out in his eyes.

I’ve reached that age where birds get mad at me for waking them up.

Just when you think all the Trump taco talk ended with the Stormy Daniels situation.

Me: These are getting a bit snug, can you take the waist out a few inches?

Tailor: These are sweatpants.

Quite possibly the greatest playlist title of all time.

Me: [trying to fall sleep]

My Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

My wife’s desire to sleep in on weekends and my seasonal allergies are in a constant battle with each other.

AI but for my television so it knows to mute or change the channel whenever Trump appears on screen.

Ate a lot of vegetables last week to make room in the drawer for this weekend's beer.

Son's College: Consider giving a gift to the Alumni Association!

Me: [sends them back his $34,000 tuition bill with a bow on it]

Not sure Home Depot thought through the tagline of their app.

Me: Finally we can enjoy some nice weather.

Seasonal allergies: hey wassup

Me: I don’t think I could hate watching the news more.

The news:

Laptop: Change your password
Me: [changes password]
Laptop: Your password is too short
Me: [changes]
Laptop: Your password is too long
Me: [changes]
Laptop: Your password needs a number
Me: [changes]
Laptop: Your password must be uncrackable by the Enigma Machine
Me: [quits job]

Don’t forget to continually remind your children not to piss mom off today.

I didn’t plan on eating at midnight, but the wife and I didn’t start discussing what to do for dinner until 5 PM.

First American-born Pope debuts BBQ, Salt and Vinegar, and Flaming Hot flavors of Eucharist.

News: Massachusetts Attorney General is suing CVS.

The complaint is outlined on only a single page, but it’s 6 miles long and has some coupons at the very end.

Me: Wow, honey. Great job on dinner.
Wife: You like it?
Me: Yeah it actually tastes good.
Wife:
Me: Gooder.
Wife.
Me: Gooder than its usual goodness.
Wife:
Me: I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.

If I was a cardinal at the Vatican, I’d be the one always writing in Bart Simpson as a write-in candidate on the Pope ballot.

My favorite thing about jet lag is falling asleep during dinner and waking up in time to catch The Late Show.

Life is all about balance, which is why after a week in Greece eating the freshest vegetables, tastiest dishes, and most flavorful foods, our first stop for dinner after landing in the US was at a Popeyes Chicken.