it is incredible that the entire high level legal apparatus of the United States is "anything that helps people is impossible, anything that kills people is permitted"

Buddy, hope left the building, went to lunch, had 4 margaritas and a bloody mary, got into a fight with the server, was tossed through a window, severed an artery, had its leg amputated, spent three nights in ICU, got divorced, defaulted on the mortgage, and is living in a van down by the river

First guy to open a can of worms: I did not enjoy this experience and will liken future inconveniences to it.

googles woodchipper news

full contact origami

I want daylight saving time banned but I also want standard time banned. Just ban all time, I don't like it

1 out of every 1,300 oregon cannabis dispensary part owners find me funny on bluesky.

I think this English guy just called me stupid but I can’t be sure because it sounded like an apology or maybe a compliment.

A chessboard, only it’s the ground floor of my house. Two players, only it’s not Fischer and Spassky. A strategy, only it’s not the Queen’s Gambit. Checkmate, only it’s my dog trapped under the kitchen table by the Roomba.

sure sex is great but have you ever had a growing and persistent sense of dread that turned out to be horribly, sickeningly justified

He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

My husband got a vape that smells like the color purple, but like the Kool-Aid version, not the Alice Walker one.

I just love fall. Bathing in pumpkin spice latte, eating crunchy leaves, eating sweaters knitted from the hair of my neighbors. Hard to pick a favorite really.

My doctor is pretty rude for someone who is concerned about my blood pressure

Before getting involved with someone, ask yourself: Is this a person I can visualize cropping out of pictures one day?

When there was only one set of footprints and a buttprint in the sand that's when Jesus decided to walk on water and I said hella no and sat my ass down

- Am I the only one who...

- No, you're not the only one. Shut the fuck up.

There's so much awful news in the world today that it really is a pleasure to share in other people's joy. I got home from work just in time to see the news cross live to Mamdani's victory speech and I stood there frozen, watching with a big grin on my face, in my living room, in Sydney Australia.

i didnt drop it like its hot i dropped it because im clumsy

luke skywalker always inserts the usb stick into R2-D2 the wrong way around. this is what happens when you don't use the force.

Welp, I left the party today, after nearly 40 years of being a Democrat. I’m tired of being Schumered without a reach around. Grieving with my friends New Jersey Vape, Pinot Grievance and 9 to 5, because Lily Tomlin throwing a sexist pig out the window is almost as good as healthcare.

one of the most stunning things about the past twelve months is that to some Democrats, nothing is more disloyal than demanding that they fight fascism harder

succubus - female demon that seduces men

incubus - male demon that seduces women

vengabus - non-binary demon that likes to party

Murder, she hoped.

When do the billionaires start fleeting Manhattan Island on makeshift rowboats

charging my beaver under the supermoon as the old Gods intended

moon’s being super slutty tonight you should go and whore it up with her

would someone pay attention to something other than the chorus of back in the saddle by Aerosmith and explain to me what that song is about