came back to bluesky to give this a big thumbs up

just found out short people can get pregant?? how does it that work logistically? does the baby reach its arms out and just rip their mother open? and then like walk out or smth? /srs

god i want to watch the walls melt so bad one day I want to get so high i forget how to speak and transcend this reality so i can finally be at peace actually nvm jerking it time! #lotion

Yo this sunflower dogged me so hard she wrapped a collar around my neck and walked me around n I was blushing and stuff :3

I wish modesty was abolished. I want to walk to work and stare at jugs flying about the joint #LetThemHANG

"stop wars" - idk Gandhi or smth

I couldn't think of a single funny joke that I could write about getting the cookies that were just out of reach when I was younger. I'm so angry and full of hate and jorking it oooh #penisinthecookiejar

Me in a standoff: I'm going to win because I have my arms spread out wide, inviting the danger which shows I'm ready. YOU CAN'T WIN!
The cop the old lady phoned after I stole her virginity: I'm only gonna ask one more time, please give it back

te simks in th bahtrom too hot... going number 3 ..

Kung fu master: listen, my pupil, its not the force exerted, its the efficiency of said force.
Me: I, I think I'm starting to get it! It's ok that my penis is only 2 inches as long as I know how to use it!
(He stares into my eyes): No actually this has nothing to do with that

(Playing peekaboo with a baby) Peekaboo! *Puts my hands in front of my eyes* where am I??
(Moves hands away, revealing i teleported to the scene of 2 girls 1 cup) man not again

Tried to connect with you telepathically and found you daydreaming again. Now what did we say about fetishizing MLP characters in thought again? Yes thats right it IS just as bad as doing a horse in person! Now let's walk the streets of Tokyo honey.

I cast my net out into the sea and all the fish I caught were ugly or stupid. Where are the D-cup fish people were telling me about 😒😒😒

Door with a knocking fetish: knock me up daddy!
Burglar trying to get into my house: what??? nope *walks away*
Me in my room surrounded by CCTV footage: ah yes, my home security system is finally perfected!

*Sawing off my shotgun because I saw it done in a movie* oh you're in for it now buddy
The bully I'm pointing the gun at: welp, looks like this is the last time I'm stealing lunch money!
My mom in the break room: he's a good kid, he'd tell me if he was getting bullied.

*strips down to the nude* oh, now it's ON.

JOI coach making sure you're keeping the rhythm: dude you're dragging, feel the beat

this one was a collaborative effort

I just jerked it conductor style! #choochoo #orchestra

Friend had a miscarriage, devastated the family. Now they're throwing a baby shower for their new child. I'm happy and all but I didn't get a gift; I need to see if it makes it first.

I'm letting nightmare Freddy in, I don't care. My body is his to use and abuse.

Me: *glances cutely* I hope you liked my Steve and Garrett the garbage man garrison fanfic, I wrote it just for you...
Server at dennys: ok... *sighs loudly* and how did you want your eggs again?
Me: over medium yeah

*someone watching me play* Heh, I was the waterboy for the houston rockets, I know a thing or 2 about overwatch. *solo ults a flanking tracer* HAHAHA TAKE THAT, FEEL MY AURA
Person watching: bro are you slow you're playing zen
Me: *aura*

*whispers to my girlfriend* there's a monster under my undies... can you capture it for me? Hehe hehe
My gf: of course I can! I wouldn't want you to sleep badly tonight *goes down on me*
Me: *looks at camera* we got that? Good. Get away from there now. *stares* in your dreams pal

I'm better than most people realize. I'm an adult that has fun. I play games. Today I counted the amount of bricks on my house. Why? For fun. There were 0. Life is full of misery and despair #ijustbrokedowncryinginthetub

*girlfriend riding me*
me: hey i know you're having fun but i'm trying really hard to beat this level *dies at the upside down cube* DANG IT
gf: babe it's ok you'll beat dry out eventually

dude i'm so out of it i thought pharah and moira were the ultimate character

all the best tweets are written with heart and real emotion value poured into them so if a tweet of mine resonates with you just know i really put my all into making it meaningful for you. please like me

Guy: I'm addicted to urinals, I love peeing in urinals its euphoric to be able to relieve yourself while standing up
His date: heh, I hear ya (is blind)

Seeing so many spires around lately. Just some architects compensating. Pathetic. I create nothing because I dont have anything to compensate for. The people already know it's massive.

hello! did you ever get out of your slump? i haven't used bluesky actively in months but i thought i'd check in.