I hate taking a selfie only to remember I'm 20 years older than I thought I was

Cruising my TL, which is a mutuals feed, the only one I use, and I see a post by someone I don't follow and they don't follow me. Hey Bluesky, what the fuck is this shit?

I wish I came home to you

Starting the day off right by going for a walk, against my will

My dog thinks that it’s time for shenanigans so I guess that’s what we’ll do

Goddamn but I enjoy some of you!

(not you, sit down)

Being nice is getting me nowhere from now on I shall be evil instead

I feel like I could sleep for a week straight and still not be rested enough

If you love something set it to music.

death by microtransaction

Every joke I make is a reflection of a real life situation and not at all imaginary I hope this helps

My sexual prime is between the hours of 10pm and 3am.

Coffee with the hint of shut the fuck up.

If someone puts energy into dragging you down remember it is likely because they are beneath you.

The real power comes from lifting people up.

"parkrun" start and finish signs are mounted two feet apart on railings. A beach and water are in the background.

i should probably stretch first

When someone asks a question that makes the meeting last 15 minutes longer

I’ll press like but I will most certainly not smash that subscribe.

It breaks my heart when people can relate to my posts. I mean, what sort of chance do they stand?

Can’t right now, I’ve almost figured out the key my tinnitus is in

“How to stop an overflowing toilet” should not have a 30 second commercial before it on YouTube.

I long to leave this pain and run
to a humble hovel deep in the wood
if only for a single second to smile
in a place where the world cannot see

#vss365

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Universality is overrated; I’d rather be irreplaceable to one than indistinct to many.

END SIMULATION

END SIMULATION!!