Imagine at the end of a movie everyone starts dancing like it's 1959. Now THAT'S a twist ending

I never have any clean socks. Either I'm bad at doing laundry or someone in my house is planning an elaborate sock puppet show

Was feeling a little down today. Then I drank a nitro cold brew and a doubly hazy IPA and now I think I'm a demigod

I used to think bugs were dumb, but then I realized they discovered flight before we did, and that really angers me

I only buy one type of scented candle and the scent is new car smell

I know a guy who's bald. He has a tattoo on the very top of his head that says "wow you're tall"

I wouldn't date a girl who's "drop dead gorgeous." I'm more partial to someone who's "slow and painful death gorgeous"

"Feeling like a million bucks" is a lot less meaningful with all this inflation

I'm glad cross body bags for men are in style. Finally I have somewhere to carry the tomatoes I throw when I'm displeased with a performance

I'm not sitting on the edge of my seat because your story is exciting. It's because I really have to pee but I'm too polite to excuse myself

I keep a journal, but it would probably be more appropriate to call it "a list of all the people and things that pissed me off today"

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I want to watch a film made entirely by dogs

I've got very deep pockets. Not because I have a lot of money. I just buy pants with huge pockets so I can steal more sugar packets at once

My ruler is slightly shorter than twelve inches. That's what I mean when I say I have foot problems

I think I'm out of ideas. Maybe I'll re-hash my old stories for the rest of my life

Technically the first thing I said after I woke up today was "Good" the second thing I said was, you guessed it, "-ness gracious great balls of fire!"

It's crazy that one person needs to willingly become an accountant for several hours in order to play a game of monopoly

I used to be afraid of monsters under my bed. Now I'm afraid of how much dust is probably down there

Every day above ground is a good day. Trust me. I lived in my parent's basement for years

Watching horror movies about haunted mansions is the only time I'm happy about living in a small shitty apartment