My Dasher’s driving the wrong way with my uranium.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

Not surprised Trump and his people are assaulting America. It is a pretty young country.

Wonderful! Congrats! 👏

Matt Gaetz saving face by telling friends he just wanted to spend more time with other people’s kids

Goodbye, cruel, world.

Wait, no! The comma!

Has America tried pinning the Constitution to the top of its profile?

Is it a red flag if you're dating a serial killer, and he only wants to kill other people?

Not worried about nuclear war because I think I’d look better with three tits.

Maybe now that Dr. Oz is in charge of Medicaid and Medicare, they'll finally start covering the vacuum dust he sells as a supplement.

Howdy!

If I’m not the most popular person in my camp, I’m joining the fascists.

Your honor, my client is innocent because I assume everything is my fault.

I’m too low IQ to know!

Maybe they want to pose with someone more mature than them.

Two happy creatures back in October. Georgia has not let the election affect her mood.

Hi friends!

I just wanted to give a quick update on The Onion’s purchase of InfoWars, which we can’t wait to relaunch as the dumbest website on the internet.

The long and short of it: We won the auction and — you're not going to believe this — the previous InfoWars folks aren't taking it well.

I want to fit in so I’m rooting for the rapist.

Don’t worry. It’s less gross than the incoming admin.

Hi, Parker!

Of course. The details would be too arousing for Republicans to handle.

Well, why are teenagers allowed to be that age, anyway?

It’s impressive how boring it was given the story.

And even if it was disqualifying, those types of people don’t take no for answer, so they’d just take office anyway.

What if we watched the show twice?

I would speak out against the removal of the Department of Education, but I don’t want to end up on the Department of Re-Education’s radar.

Getting pretty sick of this sleep paralysis demon climbing on top of me every night and never asking me to be his gf.

This is the last time any of us will be happy so I’m going to wallow in it.

My pharmacist forgot my birthday again.

Republicans care so much about children they’re installing a pedophile attorney general.