Exactly!

Tom Cruise movies are so unrealistic. You never see him struggling to reach something on a high shelf.

🤘

I want peace but I also want to fuck shit up

whenever I see the tip defaulted to 30% on one of those nifty machines it feels like friendly fire in the class war

I’m feeling grief for the version of me that used to twist myself into knots trying to be enough for all the wrong people.

at least your hands around my throat gets rid of two of my chins how do I look

They need to stop publishing books until I’m caught up reading them all.

#EndHashtagTyranny

#BoycottHashtags

Quote post it with this

I base bronzed my foreskin for a soft sculpted look, please respond

I hung two shirts and folded 3 pairs of sweatpants so now I'm resting with a joint

What if this whole excursion to Iran is just a ploy of Big Green Energy to force us to be woke?

The fondue parties my parents used to have…

Just remember, sometimes clothes aren’t clothes, they’re wrapping paper.

sorry I’m late, my cat couldn’t find his favorite toy

I’ll never understand derogatory comments about women by men. You all have moms and grandmothers and some of you have daughters ffs

Hey ladies, look at this sweetheart

Spending the day with my daughter is the therapy my soul needs.

My soulmate is out there finishing fries that could’ve been shared with me

4/20 is the day for all the cool calendar nerds

not a fan of outer space. like to keep it tight.

I remember the days you could ride piggyback with your bf in drive thru and order food.

Just when I'm about to fall asleep the monster under my bed gets talkative.

Nothing compares to you, except coffee.

Public Service Announcement: Marijuana affects the memory.

God, I sure fucking hope so.

Every Monday should be a holiday, just saying

For $14.95, I will send you all of the skeets I have saved.

With the monthly subscription version, you tell me what skeets to be saved.

Fun for your friends! More fun for your not so much friends!

And this week the PTO switch was checked and I now need a new clutch for the mower.

My karma for the battery issues.

A casserole dish with four meatloaves.

4/20 and Meatloaf Monday? All in the same day?

Score!