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Thank you Amanda! 🫶🫂🤍

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You don’t need to have a mental illness to follow, and/or understand me, but it sure as shit helps.

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I prefer bleached denim

Hi Michelle. I am well. Been resting. Thank you for checking on me! 🫂🫶

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

Thanks, I'm chillin. Tired.

If I die during surgery on Monday, I have instructed my ghost to leave a horrible Yelp review for the hospital

I really hate how fucking dumb people are now, like we're walking around with fucking computers in our pockets and people can't spell basic words right.

Still no flying cars. Still cleaning our teeth with strings

Dude that's not how you say detritus

Don't judge someone by the meds they take, you may very be the reason they're taking them.

when chaos becomes boring it’s time for a change

OWN YOUR PUNS. INTEND THEM.

Can't believe the stupid post that i didn't write the way i wanted to is the one that took off

License to ill, license to kill, license to chill, license to thrill license to

Sorry i rear-ended you i was trying to catch the attention of the dog in the car next to me

Life is short…tell more people to fuck off.

Signing off all work emails with… I challenge you to a duel, just to see who reads them.

The housing market is so crazy, I can only afford to buy the haunted and poltergeisted houses.

Sorry it took me so long to reply, I was googling everything you said.

I’m the undisputed champ of arguments in my shower.

what if we kissed in the ambient glow of the heat lamps warming the costco rotisserie chickens

*being tied to a stake by a group of townsfolk armed with pitchforks and torches* are you guys mad at me?

it's saturday, let's get weird

Wrote “there” instead of “their” in a work email to the company president, so now I have to quit and go live as a hermit in the forest.

Which I probably should have done years ago.