I haven’t caught on on here…

Worst recession indicator yet: cake where the crunchy layer only goes half way through

Damn, the one time I’m early to a trend!!

Yes.

Every Gen Z photodump must contain at least one blurry, visually confusing photo amongst the curated, to signify that they are sometimes chill or even drunk

Elon asked to impregnate him

Trump can’t release the Epstein list because he put it in his scrapbook, surrounded by hearts

New date night idea ✨

Poop cruise passengers: help!! We are trapt in our own waste!!

Carnival Cruise PR guy: ughhh why’d you guys have to tell everyone???

Dyeing my hair really did change my life*

*now I’m broke

Ladies, how do you know if your man’s cheating with ChatGPT??

Wearing the skims built-in hard nipple top without a bra so I got double nipples

The butterfly effect of this change would have been crazy…

*at a fancy bar*

“I’ll take an order of Sydney Sweeney’s bath water”

The perfect gift for that special someone who’s having gallbladder surgery…

I don’t think the majority of SNL hosts are on Epstein’s list, but I do think the majority of ppl on Epstein’s list have hosted SNL

When someone asks “are you a hugger?” It’s like: if you’re really cool about it I can be okay with it but if you go in at all hesitant I will flinch like a hunted animal & that’s hard to explain

Middle school me when the media tried to pit NSYNC & Backstreet Boys against each other

Excuse me, I am NOT “talking shit” I’m merely “talking dick”

Hey babe, would you still love me if I was RFK jet’s brain worm??

Maybe I’ll call it “Washed up”…

I want to film my next stand up special here:

Just saw an nyc political ad where a candidate promised to “get rid of the ugly scaffolding”—what kind of a student government ass campaign promise is that? We have ppl pushing ppl in front of trains here…

Me, trying to get in on sports small talk: so is everybody in a mood about their team?

I hate that it sounds like he had fun

It’s so sad that Paul Reubens had to spend so many yrs pretending that he wasn’t a stoner

Gonna be awkward when they get to sparring…

“Save password for this site?”

-can we see if I get it right first??

Spreading awareness…

yrs ago Jordan Peterson wrote an article saying we should at least consider “redistribution of sex”

some dudes defended him by saying “well he may be a little sexist, but he has some really good ideas about getting your life together!!

& the rly good ideas was just “make your bed every morning” 🤣