Getting a tattoo that says "keep in a cool, dry place" so someone takes me to Las Vegas

I rarely ever humblebrag

Supervillain: before I kill you I will reveal my secret identity
Me: Iden-what?
Supervillain: tity
Me: Hehe
Supervillain: lol

My man knew his way around the booty

So, the "she doesn't know she's beautiful" trope is about guys' fantasy of wanting to have their cake (dating a beautiful woman) and eat it too (dating a woman with low self esteem that's easily manipulated). It sucks!

Amen

I love books so much 💙 I don't have many from when I was younger, I lost a box of them in a move, but I had at least 5 Beverly Cleary books

just call me the philosopher of corn dogs (please)

I read "lady jet" as a unit and man I was hooked on where this relationship was headed

Sure, there were swingers there, but it was hardly a “party.” Just a few friends having sex.

When they say I really light up a room, this is what they mean

Everybody talking bout tiddies, man just be cool. Tiddies nice, yes. Don't be a fucking drag about it.

Don't tell me my car isn't worth any money. I don't even care if you have a fancy name like Kelley Blue Book

Yeah, olive oil and cheese and pastries can make you a little fat. Yeah, sunshine gives you wrinkles and wine ruins your liver and spending money on pretty things eats up your savings. But unfortunately, I've decided to enjoy life anyways

A nice rack does wonders for your mental health

That's awesome

Thank you! This reply made my day 😊

Batman breaks a gun and exclaims, "THIS IS THE WEAPON OF THE ENEMY. WE DO NOT NEED IT. WE WILL NOT USE IT."

GenAI memes used to dunk on the enemy are still GenAI memes.

This person’s wife was arrested in her own home for a self-checkout purchase of less than $90 that she had made months ago. It cost them $1600 in exact change to pay for her bail.

Never shop at Target.

I would like to think I'm a woman with strong convictions, but I also know I could probably be bribed with free tacos.

“can you toss me a beer?”

sure (just winds up and throws that bitch 71 mph)

My wife forgot to close the back door now she gets to chase me through the neighborhood

My notification that "Ramona and 1 other" followed me

Oh yeah? Who's the other, Beezus? I bet it's Beezus

normalize telling the truth when people ask how you are. for example when the tom thumb cashier asked me i told him my bra was making my boobs feel like a dolphin caught in a tuna net.

This guy cut me off but I decided to let it slide

*me eating*
My White Blouse: "Here, lemme taste it."