I always thought Sun Tzu's "Art of War" was a little simplistic and obvious but it turns out yes, you do literally need to tell the Secretary of War "you need to feed your troops and keep them from being wiped out by preventable diseases"
I’m the guy who invents new bathroom faucet designs for every hotel. You might know me from Knob That Goes The Other Way and Joystick That’s Hard To Turn Off. Lately I’ve been lacking inspiration, even thinking about hanging it up. I’ve had a good run, but — wait, never mind: Ball You Turn Diagonal
I’ve had the same editor since 1967. Many times he has said to me over the years or asked me, Why would you use a semicolon instead of a colon? And many times over the years I have said to him things like: I will never speak to you again. Forever. Goodbye. That is it. Thank you very much. And I leave. Then I read the piece and I think of his suggestions. I send him a telegram that says, OK, so you’re right. So what? Don’t ever mention this to me again. If you do, I will never speak to you again
Maya Angelou on the joys of being edited
New mom hires Amish woman as nanny & is shocked by what she does on day one of the job 🤔
is it build a barn, it’s build a barn isn’t it
A kingfisher emerges from its nest burrow.
Did you know Belted Kngfishers nest in horizontal burrows dug into sandy banks near water? Not a great photo, but a FANTASTIC nest. 🪶
me: I don't need to write it down, I'll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Snailamon Roll
a poorly drawn cat seen from behind, with a spiral shell on its back like a snail. the cat also has two small antennae!
pic of an orange cat sitting on a red rug, seen from behind, wearing a striped knitted beanie positioned to resemble a snail shell on its back
a poorly drawn snail
Screenshot of an academic article. The author cites himself about 45 times (no joke) in one sentence.
Holy self-citations, Batman!
They sell ANDOR action figures, of course, and of course the audience is 35-50-year-olds, but it's deeply funny to imagine children playing with little Luthen Rael and Saw Gerrera dolls.
CHILD 1: I think violence is not only justified, but demanded
CHILD 2: I agree, but haste could be our undoing
(as a donkey walks by)
ah the noble donkey!
(donkey moves out of earshot)
foolish beast
A European common cuttlefish (Sepia officinalis) wearing a pair of red and blue 3D glasses. They look cool as fuck. Their arms are reaching out and they have a sandy striped pattern
A European common cuttlefish (Sepia officinalis) wearing a pair of red and blue 3D glasses swimming just above the ground. They look very cool. They have a yellow sandy beige colour.
A European common cuttlefish (Sepia officinalis) wearing a pair of red and blue 3D glasses sitting on the ground. Their two centre arms are raised and reaching back while the other limbs rest on the ground. They have a grey colour with brown spots. They look extremely cool.
A European common cuttlefish (Sepia officinalis) wearing a pair of red and blue 3D glasses reaching for a projection of a shrimp. They look pretty cool. They have a sandy brown colour.
In 2019, scientists velcro'd 3D glasses to European common cuttlefish (Sepia officinalis)
They didn't do this just to make them look cool as fuck, but in order to study their vision. Using a 3D theatre made for the cuttlefish, they were able to test if cuttlefish have stereo vision (they do!)
expiration dates let bacterias and molds know when they're legally allowed to start eating your food
God, showing off squirrels: I made them to plant trees then I thought "what else could they do" so I had them yell at people
Melania: I never cut child in half with sword. I never do this.
The entire USA: what?
Melania: not me.
imagine moving to a sleepy little seaside town only to find out there are no daily murders
we could pay women the same as men so it’s not cheaper to hire a woman?
if cats could drive they’d be like “yes of course i will let you merge” and then as soon as you did they’d attack your car
me: our cat is not eating dinner properly for days
wife: thats right
wife: we are v concerned
me: thats right
vet: who feeds him at what time
me: me at 5
wife : me at 7
vet: Let me make a suggestion
Great news for election security.
orange cat biting me all crazy
motherhood is so rewarding
I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake By A Horse Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me is hay and oats. But I am thinking it would be nice to have a different food. I am thinking I would like to try cake. Yes, yes. Cake. I know all about it. When humans eat cake, it is in glad times. It is the food for a celebration, such as when a woman becomes 47. I have seen cake on the Fourth of July. When humans have a cake, they stand around it and clap hands and smile and say happy birthday at each other. Sometimes there are beautiful markings on a cake, such as balloons or a pink shape. Sometimes the top of a cake is on fire and a boy must blow on the fire with mouth wind. This is the scariest cake. I do not want this kind. But I will eat any other cake. Any cake that is not the fire cake that tries to kill the boy. Please understand: I do not get money for doing work. I do not get to go inside the house. All I am either doing my horse job or standing in my pen or eating food off the floor. I always do these things. But I have never once gotten cake and I would like it very much. I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children. I am more helpful to the farm. Children do not move the heavy things like me or let anyone ride on them. And yet they get cake. Maybe the humans will realize this. Maybe they will say, "You know who deserves cake? That horse. That horse whose back we are always on." Every day I dream about what it will be like if I get to eat cake. Here is what will happen. First, I will walk to the cake and putt my nose at it like hrrfff to make and stomping my hooves to make sure it is not a snake. Then I will trot in a circle to show that I am a horse and I am large. After that, I will nuzzle the cake to …
The horse op-ed is an instant classic. I can't tell you how much joy this piece gives me.
It should be taught in every introductory writing class in no small part because the horse arguments are so compelling. "I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children."
JESUS: *turns water into wine*
JUDAS: *from the shower* okay that DOES IT
bsky.app/profile/vinm...
BOSS: Where's that report I asked for?
ME: Do you mean that report you asked for without saying the magic word?
moby-dick, his eyes enormous: from hell's heart you STAB at moby? for hate's sake you spit your last BREATH at moby? oh! oh! the great shroud of the sea for ahab! the great shroud of the sea rolling on as it rolled five thousand years ago!!!!
The inside of a refrigerator, but all the containers have googly eyes.
The inside of a refrigerator door, but all the containers have googly eyes.
Seven years ago, I did the greatest April Fools Prank I've ever done. This is what greeted my wife when she groggily opened the fridge that morning:
THEM: don’t touch hot pans or cookie sheets without a potholder
ME: ok.. what about just once or twice a year
LOOK AT ME, GODDAMNIT
-daffodils
Diabolical ironclad beetle Insect The diabolical ironclad beetle (Phloeodes diabolicus) is a flightless insect known for its incredibly tough exoskeleton, allowing it to withstand immense pressure, including being run over by a car.
Pissed off scientist trying to run over a bug using his car: YOU FUCKER IM NAMING YOU FOR THIS AND IT WONT BE PRETTY