His upper lip was #sweaty I’m truly in awe I think Spirit puts smth in their workers water

“I’m about to go to town on this” - the #Spirit employee about to assign all the premium seats to randos bc no one on the entire flight bought them

Something something Donald Trump shows the American public his hands but it’s a cover up which requires him to go on live tv and do the single ladies hands. Yes the one by #beyonce

#djt #drumpf
#democracydiesindarkness

im a law student, and when Alanis Morisette sings "it's a death row pardon two minutes too late" it should actually be "getting 17 pizza rolls in a 15 ct box" and the song should have been called "Happy".And sung by
pharrell williams.#pharrell #alanis
#lawschool #biglaw
@innocenceproject.bsky.social

The post in question:

a stuffed monkey is wearing a green shirt and jeans and says uhh . ALT: a stuffed monkey is wearing a green shirt and jeans and says uhh .

Me, high on a single puff in the bathroom while in public w my whole family: the government is trying to silence me for posing a significant threat to the hierarchy system of governance which we call the U.S. of A
Bluesky trying to to tell me I’ve reached my character limit:

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every shy pee-er there must be a peer pressure pisser

never like to be on the same side as the south african fascist but the fact that a flight can be delayed two hours and still show up on time is probably the most undeniable proof this is all just a game of sims designed by an incredibly cruel (probably heavily bullied) and not-yet-gay tween

EDAMEME IS SOYBEANS?!?!?!???

why is every week fucking fashion week leave some for us uggos

Saw somewhere that pigs can’t look up so they can never see the stars. Fucking idiots the pig can just stand on a hill

Pixar’s Elio is a big win for kids whose names start with the letter e

Omg did anyone ever play factory balls???

Hate hate hate men who shove in front of u at the fka twigs concert and u look up and they have a buzz cut the same length as their beard? Like stop ur head looks like a super Mario galaxy level

the reason it’s so devastating to tell someone “you look like [one of the 6 chipmunks from Alvin and the Chipmunks]” is because most people look like a healthy mix

My doorwoman staring blankly at me as I try to get in at 2 am, visibly high: do you live here?
My tote bag, which I have gamified by putting all of my possessions into capsules so that it’s a gachapon:

STOP posting ootd and overpriced restaurant food on Instagram stories!!! God originally intended insta stories for thirst traps and apologizing to everyone who knows u for being depressed for the past 6 months #feetpics NOT #fitpics

forgot to make ice but needed a cold dc or id simply perish so i brushed my teeth and drank it

Sir, the coffee has hit the second sphincter

A little dude having an absolute blast

when i say im visiting my old stomping grounds im referring to this:

when i visiting my old stomping grounds im talking about this:

So caffeinated I’m waiting at my mailbox for my hogwarts acceptance letter
#coffee #javahead #myfleshfeelslessattachedtomybonesthanusual

You majored in laser in undergrad. I’m Major Lazers third cousin and also niece (incest). We are NOT the same

(your right)

I’m not the typa guy who’ll just tell you the truth when it’s convenient, I’m the kinda guy who’s crossing the street and HAS to step to the right of you. If you’re already to the right then I go more right. I’ll walk into oncoming traffic YOURE SUPPOSED TO GO LEFT

40 degrees and every single Chicagoan wakes up and decides to show some cheeky ankle

When I have incredible #gacha luck: mhm, yes, as expected, i walk the path of the divine and I am justly rewarded

When I have bad luck: Of course, the path of the divine is one of tribulation and sorrow 🤔

Woke up this morning knowing it would be a two yellow starburst day

is it just me or are jd vances fingers wayyyy too spindly and not at all befitting of the Vice President of America #jdvance #vp #usa #mycountrytisofthee

Why is it ‘make America great again’ and not ‘we’re sooooo back’