They’re gonna have to build a MAGA wing in hell 👹

Los Angeles from the sky today

I can’t do work today because my Mom gave me 8 bags of caramel corn for Christmas

Anyone else unable to throw away their Pandemic masks??
It has a weird sentimental value and was my best friend for 2 years.

By the power of Beyoncé I decree that Christmas Halftime Shows are now a thing forever and ever, amen.

a close up of a woman 's face with a microphone in the background . ALT: a close up of a woman 's face with a microphone in the background .

Netflix got Mariah for pre-game, Beyoncé for halftime, and the ghost of Whitney Houston for after the game

A TSA agent asked me where I got my pants and I plead the fifth

Callback today then I’m officially on vacation! Send me holiday mojo!

Elon Musk is dumb Lex Luthor

Aretha is locked in on your butt

AI comes up with some crazy shit

I have one question after watching that trailer.

Who picks up Krypto's shit when Superman isn't around?

There are so many dogs with capes in their future

a woman in a police uniform is talking to another woman and says " what do i do what do i do ? " ALT: a woman in a police uniform is talking to another woman and says " what do i do what do i do ? "

If the Superman trailer and the Matt Gaetz House Ethics Report come out out the same time I’ll have a decision to make

When I was a kid watching sports on TV I would stand up and take my hat off during the national anthem.

Now I fast forward through that shit.

After CEOs can we move on to dentists?

“Last Christmas” is the best Christmas song that you can play at a time like this

I invented Christmas Kimbap tonight

I fuck with the nog

You can’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk but it turns out you can have it removed

Holding space to tickle someone holding space

Did you play yet??

I feel like I’m being punished when I don’t hit the skip button in time on a YouTube ad and they make me watch another one

Who else is playing Indiana Jones today?

President Biden has a chance to do the funniest thing...

I can only think of one lawyer good enough to get Luigi acquitted...

Ryan Murphy was on the line with Dave Franco as soon as he saw pics of the CEO Assassin

The CEO assassin stopped at Starbucks and it reminded me of those photos of Lee Harvey Oswald hitting up a Chipotle on the way to the book depository

When I’m a billionaire I’m gonna have a ponzu fountain

Tomorrow is my birthday and all I want is to not have a headache