Dear @apple, your update sucks a human centipede ass.

The problem with glasses is that you need your glasses to find your glasses when you lose your glasses.

Why do I still to this day know the entire rap in the theme song of the 1987 Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks comedy Dragnet? But somehow I can’t get all of my lines right for my comedy show that opens tomorrow.

Just a reminder that according to Rick James what makes a girl a “superfreak” is incense, wine, and candles.

Don’t threaten me with permanent deletion of my Facebook page, you Meta message warriors. I’m always up for a good thing.

Faygo is what a state fair would taste like if it was a soda.

Smirnoff Sport Commercial YouTube video by Folding Chairs Comedy Troupe

youtu.be/WnjIw5H6Tak?...

Let’s start with a shameless plug! Try our brand new Smirnoff Sport!

It’s almost New Years Eve!
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Fuck.

Christmas music is the Christmas music of Christmas music.

Google AI response to a search I just did.

"It's not possible for a Viking longship to be on Mars because Vikings were seafaring people from Scandinavia, and Mars is a planet not located at sea."

Which implies that there is a planet located at sea. I want to go there.

Hear me out: Pizza... but the crust is a steak.

Remember: Thanksgiving is a competitive sport. There are winners and there are losers. Only there are no winners, and we all lose.

We are migrating our sketch comedy troupe out of the rage-o-sphere and over to here. So give us a follow. Because we're funny. And I said so. @thefoldingchairs.bsky.social

Scented trash bags smell worse than trash.

Haven't posted on X since last April. So I put up a post saying I'm headed over here. Which got me these lovelies. Feels like I'm making the right call here.

I’m watching the fight tonight, and I thought “I could do this” and a bug crawled across my arm so I moved out and set the house ablaze, but from a distance because I’m scared of fire, too.

Remember the last time you broke up with somebody who treated you like shit? And then a few years later, you decided to get back together with them? And they still treated you like absolute shit? Yep.

I guess we all doing this now?

Public service announcement: Your “fun fact” is neither fun nor a fact.

I am.