Hello this is the cops. Well we pulled Theodore Jokerman's bloated corpse out of Lake Mead today, he had passed away at 47. His last words were "I go to Baba". He had about $16mil in $DOGE but he didn't leave a will so we're just gonna give it back to Elon

Gonna take some time away from tweeting for a long camping trip to reflect on my lack of stardom, if you dont hear from me in a while Im fine, just want to be alone and do some swimming in lake mead

Had a dream I was eating a really long licorice. When I awoke there was a half-eaten snake hanging out of my mouth

Lost another follower yesterday. Sad to see our anti-intellectualism culture at work

The American Flag aka "Old Betsy" is lowkey iconic imo

I keep giving Dave Chappelle's specials a shot because of his legacy and because I think he's hilarious and agree with everything he says, but if he doesn't cool it with the cussing I'm going to have to stop recommending his standup so enthusiastically

And you deserve one. Its the presidents responsibility to make it happen

Trump has both bad and good qualities. Sound familiar? If not maybe look in a mirror, were all just doing our best

Whats most important is we have a president who can make us #laugh

TR*MP: Nooo how could I lost the 2028 Election, who did I lose to

(he turn on T.V.)

PRESIDENT DREW CAREY: Hey Trump....The price is wrong b***h!!

of the many fails a person may experience, the epic variant is generally considered one of the worst

Dear Mr. @drewfromtv.bsky.social would you ever consider being president (of USA). Let me know
– Ted

Thats a good point

Maybe your just joking here sleeves but im kind of loving this idea

I feel bad for the guy. No one deserves to bullied on a big TV show

You could but thats pretty dishonest. You dont gotta lie to kick it

why do people always associate you with the bad deeds you've done over the good ones you were capable of

if theres one thing i cant stand its hypocrisy. between you and me tho i do think hypocrisy is p good

those uneasy about my new presence in their online communities are right to be dubious; im reporting all your behavior to the FBI

Oh you "hate racism"? News flash pal what youre doing is called virtue signaling and its just as bad as racism

sensationalist reactionaries incapable of understanding nuance imo

I actually don't need to eat food I just do it bc I like it

For your b*nghole? #lol

When you engage with me, you earn TedPoints which can be spent on prizes at standup-comedian.com!

Mistakes happen what's most important is that you were honest and took responsibility. America will forgive this

Would love to keep p*rno off my timeline if you'd please let this be the last time you tweet such a thing

Actually their job is trading stocks with insider info and impotently throwing their hands up when asked to actually do what they were expected to do when elected

I'm going to keep mine to myself sorry

I slip on pee pee

Your tweets usually make me laugh but this is going a bit far, respect the office please