episode 030

gonna start limiting most of my posts so only people i follow can reply ✌️

why are absolute weirdo randos starting to not only find but reply to my posts on main??????

it's cool to compliment someone because you want them to feel appreciated or like their work matters and not because you want something from them

tonight is my last antibiotic dose and the actual post-flu infection is totally gone but this is the last thing i'm dealing with. gonna go see a doctor again in a couple days if this doesn't clear up.

my right ear is still clogged shut and i lost most of my hearing in that ear...2 whole weeks later :')

it's back now but that was weird

that's so weird??? yeah i'm seeing ppl talking about an outage but i guess not for all accounts???? huhhh

for some reason my main acct on here is broken? and i cant switch to it?

i love being mentally stable and well-adjusted <3

i wish people could learn to communicate and not act like you reacting to them making you uncomfortable is the same as like abuse or toxic behavior :')

whooo said that

it really does wonders for ones mental health to leave a space where you'll never be welcomed and allow yourself to heal and move on

my luck with things has been so shit all day lol

i spent the past few days dissociating about my classes and thankfully the work load was doable but hopefully next week i can have a better pace

used my brain too much today catching up school work i'm exhausted

the only way i'd get a more new used car rn is if i could trade in my old one for the down payment and pay like $200/month max but there's no way in hell that's happening with my credit

a car dealership keeps calling me because i dared to look around on a website for prices and part of me wants to pick up next time and tell them "i have $5 and my nearly 20 yr old car to trade in is that enough?"

happy friday :) lol

server at restaurant: would you like water or sparkling water?

me: oh, sparkling water!

server: *drops a whole ass expensive ass bottle of sparkling water at our table*

if i can get through this week of assignments i'll feel better about things i think. it's so hard though. there's so many other things i want to do instead of schoolwork rn.

just submitted my public speaking intro video assignment that's been freaking me out all week (i feel weird being on camera and talking about myself when i'm not a vtuber LOL) and i feel a weight lifted.......

the cats are very snuggly tonight cuz it's cold. kayden is sleeping near me on my side of the bed and it's comforting rn 🥺

i've been trying so hard to forgive and be nice to myself for the low motivation and stress/anxiety with certain things. bad sleep schedule and struggling to keep up with chores. i feel so much guilt about it. i feel like a mess rn.

tw family death //

but i know deep down it's fucking with me too. there was a lot of loss in my family in 2025 and it feels so unreal sometimes. i'll be ok, it's life, but damn.

tw family death //

aside from all that, this time of the year has also been very rough for me mentally. it just passed 1 year since my grandmother suddenly passed and at the start of next month it'll be a year since my other grandmother passed. i've been coping by not thinking abt it/dissociating

and i don't want to just drop out of college again without a job or something lined up. i don't want to struggle and have to ask for donations or try to push more subs or whatever with streams because that shit makes me so miserable. i'd rather do literally anything else. so...idk i just feel stuck.

if i'm honest with myself my motivation right now is in streaming and making stuff again. i feel the most fulfilled when i can do that and i can feel myself starting to get depressed because i know i can't focus on streaming while i'm taking classes.

i've been trying over the past few months to find a job so maybe i could do college classes part time instead since it might be a little easier for me but i haven't heard back from any yet.

i want to learn things that will lead to a career but unfortunately it's also a survival thing at this point. i'm in college full-time and the grants and student loans help me get by. if I didn't have that i'm not sure what i would do.