Sometimes, they just give birth to themselves.

I'm impatient and I'm sorry.

I know I need to savour these things but I just get excited.

Aw, I get that. I would've so been your gig buddy, I haven't seen Suicide Machines since 2003!

Why is this an almost and not a photo of you and Roger playing air trumpets together.

You can't even roast a baby in the oven for an hour at 200 degrees celsius these days because of woke.

Bring back tamagochis. I want to kill something pure and innocent

Despite being a creature of a damp, dank, subterranean cavern, I am surprisingly flammable.

It's supposedly the NBA finals but they keep coming back every year

“i’m good and you?” I say to my coworker as the government is kidnapping my community, bombing everywhere with brown people, and my immune system attacks my own body leaving me disabled.

my actual deal breaker:
you keep your indoor temp at anything above 70°F

The enemy of my enemy is an even bigger little bitch

a dude referred to my tits as cherries and because i’d never heard it before I had to ask “what cherries where?” and now we are in a weird standoff about melons versus cherries and how am I 46 and this is my reality

it takes a lot of effort to get a crowd to start the wave which no one at this funeral seems to appreciate

80% of being a dad is just turning off light switches and locking doors

An escape room, but we just lock kids in a library and they have to use the Dewey decimal system to find their way out.

I guess putting lead back into paint is next

Remember when that guy fucked a pie?

DONT LEAVE HOT DOGS IN CARS

sex so good he forgets every word but your name and now you have to order for him at restaurants

i’m not ready for ww3 i haven’t had a threesome yet

people with big boobs should be able to squeeze them real hard to zoom out of uncomfortable situations like a loose balloon

sorry i cannot handle any more “THIS SCARY THING SHOULD SCARE YOU” headlines i am already dead

i’ve been doing some introspection and i think i should start mongering more

[looking around the internet squinting, hands on my hips]

i’m…i’m good i think i know enough men already

make sexy time more fun by announcing “we are now approaching the tunnel please remain calm” in your best train conductor voice

i used to think it was “cannon father” like the big bad dad of all the baby cannons

so who’s coming to the wwiii orgy/cuddle party/we had a good run humanity event i’m arranging the body pillows and i need a head count

Overheard at the diner:

“Yeah, I can eat that. I got teeth now.”

Fleetwood Mac: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

Me: Um, OK, if you insist.
The 𝘛𝘶𝘴𝘬 album was a GREAT idea.