[at the bank]
*pulls out a gun*
*hands the teller a note*
[Does this gun make me look cool?]
*does cool poses with the gun*

The Descent of Mark Wahlberg:

Four Brothers
Three Kings
2 Guns
Lone Survivor
The Departed
Transformers: Age of Extinction

“Dad, why haven’t you ever told me you love me?”
*I look over*
*a lamp with a mustache slowly falls off the dresser and shatters into 100 pieces*

Now that I’ve deleted my Twitter and moved to Bluesky, I think it’s time I shed my weird Twitter persona, get serious and reveal who I truly am…
*deep breath*
My real name is Jarod Bigpenis

I used to work on a sheep farm but I got fired for falling asleep all the time.

The bad news is now I grunt every time I get out of a car.
The good news is I will die soon.

*my son gets home from school*
SON: Dad, look! I got a 100% on my math test!
ME: *smacks it out of his hand* SHUTUP NERD!

“ .” -a mime

*wakes up in hospital*
[Dr] "Im sorry, we had to amputate your butt"
[Me] “WHAT!"
*turns on side*
*wife cries hysterically*
*rookie nurse vomits*

The Matrix (1999)
A nerd does drugs that he can’t handle so he freaks out and thinks he’s inside a computer doing kung-fu.
Runtime(136 minutes)

I’m Italian and I’ve never had a spicy meatball.

Thank you…friend.
Clap-clap-clap-clap

When I die I want the Friends theme song played while my casket is thrown into a fountain

The hay in baby Jesus's manger came from Christian Bales.

Priest: "Give us our day, our daily bread"
*duck peeks up over pew excitedly*
Priest: "METAPHORICALLY"
*duck crosses wings & slumps angrily*

[narrator]
"He's back from the dead for one last job"
[Jesus]
"I’m a guy you never want to…”
*looks to camera*
"Cross"
*cocks gun*
*explosion*

Happy Easter to half of the world! Happy Wester to the other half

Present day Jesus turns multivitamins into OxyContin

I put the in invisible.

[last supper]
JESUS: *picks up bread* this is my body
*picks up wine* this is my blood
*picks up check* this ones on me boys
*apostles go nuts*

Present day Jesus turns multivitamins into OxyContin

What if Miley Cyrus is really Wiley Coyote in an Acme sexy woman costume to trick the Roadrunner? Hmm…Miley, Wiley? Idk it’s just a theory.

“I’m sorry if I was ever…too weird” says a dying Weird Al Yankovic to his friends. “No, Al” one friend says, “WE were the weird ones”
*they all cry as the EKG flatlines*

*inventing the frisbee*
FUCK THIS PLATE!

*cop frisking me*
Cop: There’s nothing in your pockets that will poke me, right?
Me: Uh, no.
Cop: OW!
*baby porcupine jumps out*
Me: RUN POKEY, RUN!

A turtle gets ready for work. He kisses his wife and newborn son goodbye. On his way to his job, he's stomped to death by an Italian plumber.

i’ve realized that for me twitter was prison and bluesky is a halfway house and at some point i will be allowed back into society having served my social media time

while caffeine’s mechanism of action isn’t fully understood, a leading theory suggests that every 100mg you consume pushes you forward into a pocket dimension where you’re a little less sleepy. unfortunately, the old you is trapped in the sleepy dimension, forever. you might be there right now

INVENTOR OF THE KNIFE: this is the greatest thing since torn bread

Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside.
Teach a man to jack it, and he won't go outside at all.