Whoever named no-see-ums absolutely killed it

My brother was a breech baby. It took years to get him to stop coming through doorways butt first.

Never trust an excellent kisser.

Miss Cleo foresaw all of this but I was too cheap to call that 1-900 number

There are some ways around not wanting to know something, but like anything with a catch there's a knowing something you didn't even know you didn't want to know so...I tricked you into eating flashcards

For $14.95, I will send you all of the skeets I have saved.

With the monthly subscription version, you tell me what skeets to be saved.

Fun for your friends! More fun for your not so much friends!

my disappointment when she asked if i wanted some elevator action and the arcade didn’t have it

Them:
Red Rover red rover let Jesus come over

Us:
Fuck this game y’all fuckin cheat!

Wanna find heart shaped rocks and throw them at each other..affectionately.

May the 4th is coming up and I'll be posting the same amazing joke I do every year even though it consistently bombs

Mark your calendars.

PK Subban should get a double minor for those pants.

[health app on my phone]

did you sign your will motherfucker?

I bet that couple from the Big Red commercial is still kissing.

ah yes, chicken wings: tuna fins of the land

Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile.

My left boob is hella unruly

Don't look at me, you're the one that just sang 🎶 Red Robin 🎶YUM🎶 to yourself.

ive known a lot of stoners and I think they smoke pot on the not 420 days too

I’m just waiting for earth day when we smoke some prime gaia

sunday sins stir softly

Something swift
reflected in the rain
the tree in the yard
searched for birds

Nurturing the yard fixes me.

I base bronzed my foreskin for a soft sculpted look, please respond

There was no descent into madness. I did a cannonball.

I am looking for a serious relationship. Servere. Sober. Austere. Preferably with a man in mourning.

Maybe it’s annoying hearing about everyone’s smoking habits but at least nobody you know is wearing a Charlie Chaplin mustache today.

Make more time for the people who at least meet you halfway

Being nice to nice people & vulgar to vulgar people is my love language & I’m fluent in both.

Speaking before I think is one of my favourite pastimes.

Ask your GP if messaging people on Bluesky about their followers opinion is right for you, bitch.