I'll add you to the hummingbird-aficionado list

Wait - why don't use self checkout? All grocery stores in my area have that

You spelled "Tippi" right, though. What more does she WANT

Dude. Thank you.

I feel financially trapped in a country that might continue to slide into fascism, and which feels like there's a possibility of an economic depression around every corner.

They just use the hidden earpieces they wear to get answers from the producers.

ME: *screams into the void*
THE VOID: We're full. Take it somewhere else.

"Yes, the leopard is eating my face, but I like how his whiskers - OW GODDAMMIT - tickle."

If the buoys wanna float you better let 'em

What's the altitude limit for laughter-powered elevation? Could we reach orbit with sufficient humor?

Yes, it would be risky - somebody might try to slip in dad jokes and imperil the mission - but each astronaut would be equipped with an umbrella in case of emergency descent.

Don't forget Ouscar the Grouuch

Of all the cruise lines, CARNIVAL?! I'd fire him too

My cat just vanced outside the litter box

No, but the bongos were invented to help us get away from butt drumming, iirc

Let me fix Scrabble:

1. E and S are available at any time, no need to draw the tile. But they're worth -1 points.

2. You can spend your earned points on a letter you need.

3. You can check your own word in a dictionary, but doing so requires writing a 500-word essay on that word's definition.

When your car alarm goes off, after ten honks the trunk should pop open and fireworks shoot out. Then, every time some annoying car alarm starts, we'll actually be excited, because yay fireworks!

I didn't want to mention that one because it's still too fresh. Let trauma age like a fine wine.

Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be Happy" came out about a month after my dad died, on the Friday before I went to a new school as a freshman, which was also a week after my grandpa died.

Fortunately my mom was there for OH WAIT she died two years earlier.

Thanks for help suppressing grief, Bobby!

Don't forget religious trauma! It's there, waiting to pop back up when needed.

Yeah, got any stressors these days? /s

In a similar vein, I shut the hell up about my BA in theater/media arts

Invented a new cable, what's a cool ass name, how about ░e░t░h░e░r░n░e░t░

That tracks.

Technically you don't "teleport to Waffle House" when you teleport to Waffle House. You destroy all matter in the universe except for yourself and recreate a perfect copy of the world displaced by a few miles

This is also true of Star Trek transporters, only the destroyed universes can feel pain for some reason. Man. Roddenberry was sick.

Who the hell put "Chattanooga Choo Choo" in my head?

cartoon: A vampire dressed as a medical doctor puts on a bib as he finishes examining a man. "I just need a quick blood sample." Caption: Dr. Acula

Cartoon: Dr. Acula.

In COLOR?!

LUXURY.

Playing a Scrabble knockoff and I really wish "allow terrible spelling" was a setting I could chuse.

I needed this laugh