My army of commando hula girls and I are taking the church back as soon as Tammy Faye stops crying.

Like most people, I keep my toilet paper right next to the empty toilet paper thing.

I should sue you for slander!

Man Spread™. It's made of man but nice on toast.

Draw a line in the sand. Draw another one. And another one. Okay one more. Now I you've got tic tac toe and oh my god the lines are filled with blood. I don't understand why you are so mad at this beach.

Didn't think so many people would be dying on the posthumous defending of fascists, transphobes and misogynists hill that even my 91 year old grandmother with emphysema could get over.

You're an abomination. As soon as this hula girl is finished doing a hula dance in my lap, I'll be reclaiming my position as Pastor of Assembly Of Bluesky.

Moishe Horowitz

I’m forgetting what you did last summer ooh hang on don’t tell me

Pro tip: when making a beanbag chair, the choice of beans is crucial. Do not use green beans.

Every Labour Day the neighbourhood sparrows take a bath…

We don’t sell hot dogs. We only rent them.

Nurse: What about your depression?
Me: Jiffy Lube said I could still drive on it

Every day I wake up with my boobs naturally sitting higher than my elbow is a win.

More like...like ewww.

I'm doing community outreach. Crown Prince Kumoniwannalaya wants me to help set up a Vodka Shot Bingo branch on O'ahu.

The exit is your fixation

Does anyone want a cursed amulet? I stole four.

As a Bluesky ambassador, I decided to swing through Hawaii on my way back east from Omaha.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Elon Musk has his engineers build an exoskeleton for a frail Trump so he won't be seen using a wheelchair.
The hydraulics are 10x more powerful than they need to be and Musk does the coding himself to ensure it's perfect.
It crushes Trump into a meat & bone pretzel 10 seconds after he's strapped in.

A tailor's dummy in a dress shop window. The top is bare save for two doughnuts at chest level, but there's a full-length skirt that looks like it's made entirely of different types of bread slices and full French loaves

The pain of high fashion

You just know he still cheats when playing golf with his grandchildren.

In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.

Handwritten sign on store shelf reads "Don't touch yourself - Ask the staff. Thank you.."

★★★★☆
Excellent customer service.

Drunk Book Club you say?

Maybe when their arms are tired from stoning, I can kinda slip back into the church.