*unhides valley ranch*

An Italian/Skateboarding restaurant called “Ollie Garden.”

my 2% milk container has a leak, so i guess it's hole milk now

Sorry i rear-ended you i was trying to catch the attention of the dog in the car next to me

Nothing better to do with a bonfire than show it your hands, imo

like if Natalie Merchant's voice has ever made you cry, repost if you would die for her

At the punk show clapping politely and hoping no one spills my $10 beer

me (buzzing into jeopardy): what is my meat

the house i grew up in didn't have an "office" it was the Computer Room

Accidentally passed through the insecurity gate at the airport and they took me aside and explained that my baggage makes me fundamentally unlovable.

Young pope Leo, undated but he appears to be in his teens or early 20’s

young pope leo looks like a ska scene regular who goes by Upbeat but no one knows his real name

(on my deathbed) now can I do a silly one

hank hill sold propane. if he gave it away, it would be amateurpane. and there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos,

I wrote my first thinkpiece when i was one year old: "We need to talk about peek-a-boo"

Ah fuck my rate limited exceeded. Ah goddamit.

Mamdani: If the NYC apartment you keep solely for bi-yearly affairs with your mistress costs over 5 million dollars, you gotta pay more tax

NYPD officer who’s been on disability since 2006 because he stomped too hard on a lady during an arrest and fucked up his ankle: This is a travesty

ME: (trying to file a missing person's report for my wife) She's very pretty. Beautiful. She could be a secretary.

POLICE: Ok but we need you to be more specific.

ME: oh ok. She could be a secretary to a titan of industry.

Would an "old man" listen to "One of These Days" three times while riding his bike on a Thursday morning? I don't think so.

pronouncing vegemite like yosemite (i learned this from australian bluesky)

graffiti on an overpass pylon reading Kevin is a slut for Taco Bell

no judgment

Currently being breastfed (someone’s feeding me chicken)

As someone who doesn't want children the only thing that could change my mind is if a weird guy on the internet told me I should

two buttcheeks, both alike in dignity
in fart verona where we lay our pipe

CNN headline Ultraprocessed foods are turning human thighs into well-marbled steaks 16 HR AGO By Sandee LaMotte

Sandee LaMotte for Cannibal News Network

i can find pretty much any small Device interesting except for watches. no idea why but that's the one expensive consumer commodity i'm totally immune to. cool chronograph or whatever but it does the same job as a ninja turtles casio to me

la croix announces it will be pivoting to AI

Sorry I yelled “FINISH HIM” at your son’s circumcision

Death doula, the mic rula, the old schoola, you want a RIP, I’ll bring it to ya

Putting my arm pits in soil to try and grow more arms.

Let's make this slaughterhouse, a slaughterHOME.