You can kill me with kindness, as long as you get the job done I don't care how you do it.

Confirming that all these assholes are two pump chumps

A woman isn't fully dressed without a chainsaw

Squirrel Thoughts

"I think the other squirrels are hiding things from me."

I get sad when I see dead animals
on the road so I make up stories in my head like oh, someone lost a sock or wow, that’s a weird shaped bag.

just like a chemistry lab you should always wear safety goggles around me and please familiarize yourself with the eyewash stations

Named my daughters Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. My son is called Herb.

Assert dominance at your morning meeting by insisting that everyone sing "Happy Birthday to You" for what would have been Don Knotts' 101st birthday

Sign above the hilt of a sword hanging against a wall in a shop: "You're 'expertly' checking the heft and balance of decorative repiicas of cartoon swords, so just stop."

Most people don't realize just how dark the study of statistical mechanics actually is...

Cyan black and white pop art drawing of Kurt Russell wearing a jacket and smiling holding a cigarette drawn on a white background with an unhewn border.

Magenta black and white pop art drawing of Kurt Russell wearing a jacket and smiling holding a cigarette drawn on a white background with an unhewn border.

Yellow black and white pop art drawing of Kurt Russell wearing a jacket and smiling holding a cigarette drawn on a white background with an unhewn border.

Black and white pop art drawing of Kurt Russell wearing a jacket and smiling holding a cigarette drawn on a white background with an unhewn border.

On July 21, 2007, Death Proof debuted in New York City. Here's some Kurt Russell art!

"Girl, you're a mess."

Summer is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before summer

Platonically watching you sleep

A Ghostbusters car and a Scooby-Doo Mystery Machine parked at a gas station.

pretty smart to call them both because it might be a real ghost or it could just turn out to be some dude in a mask

I read the dog a bedtime story. It was just the directions to adjust his new leash, but I can tell he enjoyed it.

I'd be embarrassed just to be at a concert with a kiss cam

🎶You used to call me on my cell phone🎶

Thank god that's over.

#newprofilepic

Same!! Glad you survived Twitter 😄

I become someone I don’t recognize when I play checkers

[role-playing, after 25 yrs of marriage]

wife, a car salesperson: what do i have to do to get you into this vagina today?

hubby, prospective buyer: no thanks. im just looking.

*they both turn over & go to sleep. the end*

lobotomize the patriarchy (they make much better doorstops than people)

Does it still count as a "Case of the Mondays" if I feel like this everyday?

Photo of a spider monkey sitting on a branch really awkwardly and covering their mouth with text "bisexuals when you tell them they consider it a chair normally”

Convenient!

“I’ve said too much already.“

"All you did was blink.”

"Yeah, but twice.”

Lizzie Borden style so I can give you forty whacks during