As a fellow mountain rescuer, I always laugh when stranded and lost climbers request an emergency chopper. The look on their faces when the helicopter flies off having delivered a mid 70s bike or murderous Australian criminal.

The great thing about this is when you end up in the one room bedsit, post your divorce, there’s no need to shout. Also no visitors but in a way, you’ve won that victory

My daughter lacked the dexterity to flick the ash so her cot became filthy really quickly. We took advice and moved her to a pipe and problem solved

Reasons I couldn’t be an astronaut (apart from being overweight, stupid and lazy) I could barely take the stress from my sofa let alone being sat in a box doing 24,000mph. You guys are amazing! #artemis2

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Life affirming TV

Forgotten just how good #TheAssembly is. Brilliant television

I’m still busy being desperately unfunny, annoying everyone and losing the limited number of followers I have

Ina, you’re back! Guessing it must be a busy time for you heading up the Reclaim PR campaign for the local elections. Keep fighting the good fight and much love to Rupert

I lost respect for a colleague when they announced where they were going for their week off “I’m going Dubai”, not only for the aforementioned sin of dropping the to but also for hoping we would be impressed that they were going to Dubai

Whilst I’m no movie expert like you I’ve always struggled to relate to films that are set a long time ago. The costumes, the speech etc. They should drop in more cultural references like Jack talking to Rose about his favourite film Star Wars or the best stunt in smokie and the bandit

Counter-counter point, this could be an old people’s home

Has it been a slow week for confessions? We are now at the level where a pretty common and very well known job is a confession?

A sign: CHICKENS & DUCKS! PLEASE KEEP YOUR DOG ON A LEAD

Can’t believe they let farmyard birds keep dogs as pets

Down here in the south we weren’t supposed to get much wind but it is pretty lively

You are a kind man @sirmichael.bsky.social. I bet those Astronauts and Astroladies haven’t done as much k*ssing as you.

A bit surprised that you didn’t mention that we are rapidly approaching Maypole dancing season not to mention the mid spring ki*sing festival in girl village (even though you are banned) any delay to the mission could have a big impact

I heard great reviews of the truffle flavour ones so bought a packet. They tasted like the dust produced when you file hard skin from your feet.

61% of women wouldn’t go? Did the pioneer of space flight Katy Perry die for nothing? Shame on you women

Periperi burn

They didn’t ask me. I needed another glass of wine so would have had to delay the launch

I just ran to the downstairs loo and can confirm we are GO for household bleach check. It’s toilet duck btw

Your tips are always so helpful. I don’t use Word. Using your computer genius could you tell me how to covert an iPhone note to a pdf? I’ve attached it for reference

“BBC radio would like to apologise to Gary Barlow for what our former stand in breakfast show host said on air. We would like to confirm there is no evidence that he has had sexual relations with a goat and nor does he look like he would”.

In all my years I have never heard that. Just think of all the boiled eggs I’ve eaten in just the last 10 years and all the witches I’ve provided boats to. Must be at least 2

An intense weekend of self improvement involving 3 hours daily of meditation yoga, high burn gym sessions and cold plunge pools. Eating only raw vegetables that I have grown. Or I might watch monster trucks on tv for 48 hours whilst eating frazzles from a bowl balanced on my bare chest

He’ll get their back line in shape in no time at all by reminding them of the great Orc v GoatMonster war of the year 34,500. The way the Orc archers held up the attack troops is inspirational

Once again the @villagetimes.bsky.social comes to the rescue with an investigation. I know I’m a lone voice in the village but we still haven’t accounted for the missing €1 from the shop, the flowers taken from Mr Miggins grave, the sign post to Fleshy Butts Close or the 17 Japanese tourists

How much have the lobbyists from Big Ordinary Unmodified Hats paid you for this webposting? You must think we are all fools

Sorry I didn’t mean artificial intelligence i meant artists imagination