To be fair, I keep some of my dust and spiders at work. Also in caches hidden throughout the city.

When someone runs for office they should have to take a one question test: Are you just doing this for money?

Good news: After a kid went missing in the woods, the Search Teams has success!

Bad news: It’s a different kid who went missing in 1976.

Police are telling the parents to be patient.

Tomorrow there is a ribbon cutting but Janine can’t find the Mayor’s giant golden scissors.

I told her to keep it next to the giant golden stapler and giant golden tape dispenser.

Low flying abduction hazard

I’m always asking them to put on criterion collection DVDs I bought with me.

My father’s retirement plan is to head off into the woods and never be seen from again.

Most doctors recommend eating parasitic twins while in the womb. Even then, it is a little bittersweet.

But if we play it enough, the world may finally listen.

The local council have requested my presence to deal with some unruly Night Worms later tonight. I’m no longer employed as a Worm Wrangler so they can’t keep calling me in like this 🙄

Painting of a woman in a blue dress riding a bicycle. The background is a cityscape with strange geometry.

🎨Georgy Kurasov

Getting me a giant pet spider so they can spin me a hammock

The variety and frequency of choice will make corpses of us all.

My uncle recommends everyone get the appropriate accreditation. He says these quack haters are invalidating the profession.

So glad to see someone plan this sort of thing. Sure, you can wing it, but the lack of effort doesn’t make it seem authentic like people hope.

My father’s retirement plan is to head off into the woods and never be seen from again.

I love the new community garden! But parents should be aware that half of the plots grow only poisonous plants.

Pick carefully, nothing is labeled.

You could probably translate that energy into all sorts of situations: robberies, burglaries, smuggling, shoot outs, cop outs, friendly fire, arson, wire fraud, Ponzi schemes, jay walking, and - as I’ve been told - sports.

We are one of the last small cities with a newspaper.

So what if most of the articles are from other timelines! That’s the price of good journalism these days.

Just hope they don’t give you some sort of nickname. You don’t want people tracking you down years later trying to out javelin you.

I wonder what continent my mom is on these days. We haven’t seen her since she went on that European cruise and decided not to come home.

Wherever she is don’t be surprised if she doesn’t keep the baby - she doesn’t like to be tied down.

The local radio station has a new program that airs only static and a series of numbers that repeats every 37 seconds.

The vending machine has been disgorging buckets of blood & anguished screams for weeks but I still put 2 dollars in it & pushed the button for Baby Ruth

I also didn’t kill anyone.

(If everyone else who didn’t kill someone replies, the detectives can catch the murders by process of elimination.)

In the original version, that’s how Romeo and Juliet met.

Some of them just want to provoke you into loving them. Sure, they know it will never work. You both come from different worlds. For instance, you have a spine and they don’t. But here they are, scurrying around your living space. They haven’t given up hope. They just want a chance.

I didn’t until you reminded me. No one even talks about him anymore. I looked for a picture of them at my mom’s house but I couldn’t find one of the two of us together.

Remember that summer where your cousin walked behind the oak tree and didn't walk out from the other side and no one ever saw him again

Also same.

How are we ever supposed to get the robot version of Chicago on broadway if the robots spend all their time chasing down people for crimes we may or may not have committed?