Even a broken clock is wrong several times a day.

so so so many pictures of red pandas

Red pandas: *eating bamboo, hoping for some privacy*

My camera roll:

Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-ee
The wolves now eat grass and the croc's up a tree
Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-oo
Oh please won't you help
my bewildering zoo

I called up the vet and I asked her: 'What? Why?!"
She shrugged and she oinked and she started to fly
I then called a doctor but he was a quack
He eloped with a goose and they're not coming back
Oh please won't you help?
I'm ready to crack

Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-ee
The zebra say woof and the lion says eee
Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-oo
The dolphins make baa sounds, the peacocks say moo
Oh please won't you help
my bewildering zoo

"What do we want?"
A day of productivity!
"When do we want it?"
As soon as poss... hey, those CDs need alphabetizing

me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
Teacher: no it's just an E
Kid: how can u be sure
[3 am]
Teacher: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Seagulls are like street signs, you don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

Dumpster labeled “Earth Boring”

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful

MC Escher: the ceiling is also lava

It's rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that's exactly what's going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

The ultimate power move is signing emails "kind regards" because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn't deserve them

The new villain origin story is “I owned a social media site”.

Interviewer: So you design & build things? Like what?

Me, proudly pulling out my 3” thick rubber band ball: Voila!

Reading Charles Dickens kinda ruined other writers for me. Now when I read a story with a normal-sized Tim I can't help but feel like the author is doing too much.

coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

[Sitting in traffic]

This would be a lot easier with a car.

I threw out my boomerang-shaped raccoon. That'll come back to bite me.

My super power is saying "well done, you own that now" to my dog every time he pees on something.

HOW TO FIGHT A DRAGON
• quietly approach her lair
• do NOT carry a sword
• leave a box of chocolate biscuits by the cave entrance
• she's your best friend now

Missed connection: You were wearing a green hat, with a collar and tie. And nothing else. I was chatting with Ranger Smith. Call me. I want my picnic basket back.

I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
just to be the man who walked
back to check he didn't leave the oven on

Orc with subtitles saying 'guttural noise'

[battle of helm's deep is about to begin]
ARAGORN: *rousing and eloquent speech in fluent elvish*
URUK-HAI COMMANDER:

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No