Love your stuff! Just bought a glow in the dark jewelry box!

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You've made a powerful enemy today, baby

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. 'Delicious,' she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

LADY: My cat won't stop mewling

ME: It's okay, I'm a cat whisperer

LADY: Oh, great

ME {whispering to cat}: shut the hell up

Just got here from Twitter! Hi fronds!