I think if i sit very still & don’t mess anything up i might accidentally live to be 100

&the planet can chomp on dicks, this apple watch will be wrapped around my bones for 600 billion eons

Apple said it would evaluate how much my watch is worth to trade in & then congratulated me because they're willing to recycle it without charging me. All this to say apple can chomp on dicks

Now that i'm in charge, anyone who types at their keyboard in a manner that can only be described as "searchingly" will immediately be restrained & removed from the premesis

Close-up of someone’s ear & right cheek backgrounded by what’s definitely a spaceship window at the moon & not the window of a car parked by a second family’s home. The Independent, “Artemis II live updates: Trump speaks to NASA astronauts as they head home from moon”

Convincing black gradient & slightly stretched reddish circle, certainly live streamed by NASA & not edited with a free android app NASA’s Artemis II Live Mission Coverage (Official Broadcast), YouTube

I swear honey, our moon trip ran late & we’re still up here, nasa can’t report space dust to the public because it lowers morale, i’m sending you pics

We’re living in the poopoo age of caca

I’ll always remember what i was doing during the artemis ii mission: running a system update while fighting with a dead keyboard & posting about it with 4% left on my enshittified iphone battery

Who among us hasn't thought the only criterion for becoming president of venezuela is speaking spanish? Who hasn't believed "if only i could talk to them, i could rule them?" You've never said in your mother tongue of english "i'm good at language?" Don't throw houses if you live in a black kettle

Who hasn't felt like running for president of venezuela at some point in life?

my brain really felt this but couldn't find any of those words

The alt text is fucking art

Y'all gotta be keepin up with my alt texts

He looks like steven miler run through an AI prompt

Photograph of a hairline-compromised Prescott F Hall looking incel-lically like the only time he ever made someone wet was from a limp handshake, and incidentally after 52 years of disgracing this planet succumbed to his acute weakness of chin and (if you're ever stuck in Norfolk, Massachussetts with a full bladder) is now buried in Groton Cemetery, Lot 30.

Staggering that the racists of today & the fathers of contemporary american anti-immigration have indistinguishably been a version of this guy

Chihuahuas are the thomas jeffersons of the dog world

I urge you to watch the mary tyler moore show if you haven’t, or haven’t in a while, absolutely stupid how funny it is

and remember: anything you think while you're in there the techs can see on the screen. they don't like to tell you that but they can, and they share screenshots of the funniest thoughts in their group chats

An educational story wouldn’t be effective without a message, & what better message than the acceptance of habitat destruction & concreting over formerly green spaces to make way for the sweet heat of urbanization

Dwarfs, dwarves, or elves?! Adolescents & adults may not be as easily terrorized by the ol’ “dwarfs with magnets” tale. Try confusion: mix fantasy lore & reality just before they go inside the tube. They’ll be too fixated on deciphering what’s canon to notice being trapped in a sarcophagus of regret

Title: Into the Magic Imaging Cave

An MRI can be scary, which is why it’s important to explain to children how they work. It is even more crucial to lie. Lie to children convincingly by shrouding the lie in partial truths. Ensure your lie is even more terrifying than the truth. Do not let children discover that the truth is boring

Buckle up, in an MRI it’s just you & your thoughts in there

Some people may ask why i’m dead & missing a tongue. I was tired of the UK’s standard of light salt passed off as “spicy” & ordered the reddest 🌶️ thing on a chinese menu with the request to be murdered. What you see is the result of excellent service

Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face

Does tech insurance cover enshittification

I will die before touching a wired headphone

Every time i've tried to use AI it's been forced to apologize to me

Has it occurred to you that describing someone’s genocidal actions could result in the perpetrator of genocide feeling embarrassed

Happy mario day to those who observe

The Shahed-136 'kamikaze' drone Main use: Deployed in swarms to overload enemy defences in attacks on cities and key infratstructure Operation: THe low-flying drones are hard to detect by radar and carry explosives in their nose which detonate on impact Estimated cost: Iranian-made and relatively cheap $20-30,000 (£15-22,000) each Range: Maximum distance of about 1,550 miles (2,500km) Warhead Wingspan: 2.5m (8.2 ft) Source: Defence Express, Getty Images BBC

I thought this was an ad for a dustpan

So far i have a playlist with one system of a down song on it & that’s actually fine by me