I’ve been known to make things weird.

Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion

If anybody asks, we met at an urgent care.

Vintage comicbook panel, showing a woman in a nurse's uniform gripping cell bars. Top: "She, too, is in a cage ..." Notice on cage: "Wild human Female. Very rare. Do not annoy."

Monday Mood

Not now mum, I just endered the abyss

My insecurities go back so far, they come with wood paneling.

I was cut from a different, less absorbent, cloth.

nothing I say means anything and yet I would like you to take it seriously

A one eyed rotting corpse stares in the mirror stating “I’m fine.”

Nostalgia..No thanks.

Starting today with a new outlook, a much better one.

I’m way too observant, like you should probably have that mole looked at in your selfie

sure sex is great but have you ever told someone how you actually feel

“When the rich wage war, it’s the poor who will die.” ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

…it’s the poor who will die.

Someone already stole my business model.
😂😂

Who knew that not owning any Apple products would be a disqualifier for being the CEO of Apple?

It’s always the most annoying song that gets stuck in your head for days.

I need friends who can dig a hole, give me an alibi at any cost & the only question they ask is do you need help with the body?

a man is giving a speech in front of a crowd with the law on trial on the screen behind him ALT: a man is giving a speech in front of a crowd with the law on trial on the screen behind him

When the main personality has something useful to say.

The higher they raise their eyebrows after hearing what you say says a lot about what you’ve just said & I like to try to get their eyebrows up into the hairline.

I don’t know what’s getting darker these days, my sense of humour or the hair on my top lip.

Her: We’re all arseholes!

Me: Yes but some of us are clean & some of you are not.

*drops mic*

I enjoy being up all night because everyone’s asleep & it’s so peaceful, eating what I want, watching what I want, enjoying my own company.

Some women describe their weight gains in lbs, I’ve put the weight on of four well fed toddlers.

I’ve done more growing physically in the last year than I’ve grew mentally in 37 years.

What do Tennessee women say after sex?

"Get off me daddy, you’re crushing my cigarettes!”

My investigative documentary series was picked up by Pornhub. It revolves around men sleeping on public transportation and female demons removing men'slife force.

It's called "The Suck You Bus"

My friend's cat had one kitten. Just one little perfect kitten. This is so cute

Panic!* at the Disco**

*Irate!
**Doctor

Meteorologists are the biggest gaslighters