Wife: we need to talk

Me: RATE LIMIT EXCEEDED

fuck your decade I still dress like I’m in the 80’s

Me: One day we will all rise up against this authoritarian mindset! You cannot stifle this inconvenient truth forever! Join me, my comrades! Rage, rage against the dying of the light!

My boss: Just switch on your webcam.

A chubby bay pony with a blaze eating hay.

Guess who may have just landed a part time job playing around with horses!

On this episode of “regretting the ability to google things”…

Here in Tennessee they are pushing the Ten Commandments in schools, teaching the Bible as history, success in life needs religion and a “traditional” family, prayer in school, Bible readings and TPSU freedom of speech areas in every college. I’m sure there’s more but that’s off the top of my head.

When I see a castle I'm thinkin ok so rich people been having too much for a while huh

It’s official I’ve entered my weirdly humming to myself constantly years

If something was an "open secret" that reporters knew about, you gotta report that shit or get a different gig.

Me (texting): Help I'm in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn't have used voice to text

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

Melania's Einstein visa was granted because she claimed to be an anthropologist and an expert in dating fossils.

If I orbited the moon it would be the only thing I ever talked about for the rest of my life.

This pizza is the shape of the moon, which I orbited. My dog has black fur, like space, where I went. Today is Saturday, which is a Day but there is not daylight in space, where I was last week.

At least my rage isn't performative.

Cats are great if you wanna see the contents of an animal's stomach without special equipment

Cradling my books like I just went through 16 hours of labour in the fiction aisle.

How long is the quarantine to ensure they haven't changed in strange ways barely perceptible to their closest friends and family?

Imagine being in space 30 min ago and now you’re about an hour from In n Out

Never ask a woman her age, instead ask her what tales have carved their mark on her flesh. Ask if she is wizened, bent low from the sins of the past. Ask her if she believes in retribution

anyone else feel like were all in a burning building and have been coerced to take the elevator to safety

For those of us who never used all of our Bluesky invite codes before they went away, they should be turned into uninvite codes where we can delete accounts of our choice

I recently started a new diet:

Half an egg in the morning
half an apple in the afternoon and
half the fridge in the evening.

i love arguing with my insurance companies over whether my jaw is a part of my teeth (dental) or my body (extended medical) or a secret third thing (not their problem)

They say that crime doesn't pay, but then, neither does working for minimum wage.

I have to give Cheetos to my dog. Her species will never develop the technology.

Wichita doesn’t sound like a city it sounds like the noise hillbillies make when they do karate moves.

your honor my client clearly stated for the record that he doesn’t have the foggiest

Hanging out somewhere between myth and reality. It’s all a bit confusing

If I post, that’s just me making my brain your problem.