random thing. black nail polish chips so fast for me. i think its my nails. anyway i recently got this very nice gold one. and that shit does not want to lift even with remover.

so what if i just paint it gold, in the bits where the black chips off.

and its been a delight to watch Korean, Turkish and Chinese dramas. not only because i enjoy hearing other languages but the way they tell a story ❤️🖤

- how american's write love stories is a hinderance to the story itself.
now i'm not speaking about books. i've read some good books, don't get me wrong.
but there is something missing in movies and tv shows written for the american audience.
i've been exploring shows from other cultures.

and i say americans don't. but i know its also got a lot to do with lifestyle and culture and all the little things that differ when you love in a diff part of the world.
all of those things add to the over all story.
but i think fundamentally how stories are told, the structure that dictates

i watched The Rational Life and The First Frost and its forever changed something in my brain.

american's just don't tell stories like this. when it comes to love and romance, these are so far beyond any american tv show i've ever seen.

after i finished season one of Silo all i wanted was season two.
after i finished season two of Silo all i wanted was my time back.

my god the ending especially made me so pissed. i had to sit through this boring, worse written season to get that ending?! are you mad?

its a strange process to be on the inside of.
and while it feels all sorts of ways to me, who knows what it will look like from the outside.

so why can't i stop?
just stick to art.
i dont know.
its not like i feel i have stories to tell. i don't even think of what i'm writing as a story.
its more like exploration of a place, world, a set of characters.
but does it follow established things in a narrative?
no idea. only by accident

blindly start carving out a path for myself to travel down this writing journey.

and i never feel like i know what i'm doing, or if all this is just a hard brain exercise that while it might teach me something new about myself, wont really yield a result that will be interesting to anyone else.

in order to get anywhere things have to make sense to me. in the internal language that my brain has been using all this time. so i first have to take all advice and twisted and reshape it to be usable, and discard all the bits the just wont fit.

its a mess.
and then i have to set out on my own

its like the way i think, analyze, process and so on. everything is going about it completely disconnected from most typical writing advice.

feels like over the years writers have built a road or at least a map to how this can be done.

and my brain just wont do it. wont travel down using it.

or even know what i'm doing.
but all writing advice approaches the process from the other way. its all about looking at stories and chopping them up into sections. beginning middle end. it all about seeing the process and functions of it, not the content.
and i can't seem to do that.

why am i talking about this? well, it seems to me, this is a visual process of how my brain wants to approach stories and other things. it wants to carve them out the same way. and in both minecraft builds and story carving, i'm not skilled enough yet to really have a streamlined process.

because my brain is never happy with how it feels to be inside those builds.
its seems that it want's to build from the inside out. to make the shape inside the building first feel big, and spacious and interesting. and then to SOMEHOW connect it to something that looks good from the outside too

other builders seem to carve out a shape of a house/base. and then fill in and detail the outside. sometimes not even doing the inside, others spend equal time detailing the inside and then find a way to occupy that strange inside shape.

i find this approach really hard to do.

how do i start this? there is something i've noticed about myself and the way my brain works.

when playing some sandbox games, i found i have a hard time building anything from the usual approach or the typical goals. I.E. a base should look good from the outside and then you fit yourself inside.

i am so over winter. i keep the heat on the lowest possible setting cause i can't afford more. bills are mad during winter.
and right now my toes are too cold to keep sitting at the desk and working.

MELT!

i need Welcome to Elderfield to come out already. the demo is not enough. take to spooky farming town. i like it there.

yeah so esp for colin and pen's story, the book is vastly better. i know the modern critiques of it and i still say it.
this colin falls in love at the drop of a hat and seems to back out just as fast. so much for the idea of rules of society and his own inner rules. did he really just walk awayXD

you are kidding me. the show just ruined a fantastic moment when Pen keeps her cool and earns the respect of colin's brothers, when he was an ass.
here he says it PUBLICLY?!
and she runs away.
who's the idiot responsible for that bit of writing?

colin used to be funny, and witty and all sorts of things. sometimes foolish and unwise maybe. but this is just dullness and stupidity and being just the most naïve of them all. his little sister and brother, the youngest have more suspicion and sense than he's shown. HE BORING. colin of all people

why is EVERYONE is this show simply dumber? i'm not being a purist of the books, by all means take a few diff streets, but why go down into dumb?
i have heard some say the show is better. but better at what? its not characters, i'll say that.

edwina is a spoiled little brat and i'm quite sick of her. she's not mad for the right reasons and will not see her own part in all of this. are lest in this episode. dare i hope she will? i wont hold my breath.

and we know the secret identity will finally come out, and THE ONLY REASON its all FINE, is due to her future husbands status. so in the show, tell me, what fucking status does anyone have against THE QUEEN?

oh dear god it goes on. why?! why is there this STUPID antagonism between the fucking queen and whistledown? for drama???
its SO STUPID once you know the identity of whistledown, you have to ask, has she lost her fucking mind? what reason does she have to do so?

eww
fuck that kiss scene.
ewww no.

and if all they give me is on man we are magnets when we are together! but they dont seems to remember the other when apart. that's how i see this season.

best enemies to lovers my ass. its not satisfying! he had more determination to be with the opera singer!

a typical romance novel will have equal amounts of stupid and smart decisions that yields varying results. but over all we are given plenty of each to eventually balance things out.
this season feels like an unbalanced mess and i would think needs a second season to have the ending feel satisfying

that little empowering speech they gave to the little sister, is frustrating beyond all belief. it paints her in such a light, while the so called love story feels tainted and in shambles for letting it all go this far.

i think some viewers enjoyed this new path, but i can't imagine how i can.

season two is more drama and i dare say that must make it more entertaining. but it makes for a less satisfying story. from what i recall of the book, it was more true to the idea of a love story. this one gives you less insight. it give you LESS, but it does give you more drama.