My wife is pissed off because she's just found out I'm five apples tall and not five and a half apples tall as I may have previously claimed.

Somebody once told me I look like Hong Kong Phooey (but i think they were doing a racism); also got compared to Christina Chong (but they were definitely trying to f**k me). Which is true? 🤷‍♀️

Olivia Rodrigo, pink cardi, blue cap with the word winona stitched on it, pulled down over her face, framed with long dark brown locks & wearing over ear headphones. Sleepy coefficient: 7 Cuteness coefficient: <error ~ machine broken. cutness overload>

Number of days since my last Olivia-post: 0 days

K Soriano: there is a bleakness to the scene that the artist has really captured

Stephen Mangan: they have just written the word "Bleak" on a canvas

E Langret: there are some issues to resolve, let's see how it ends up

SM: & they punched Tai in the face

Tai: I love the way they put paint down

that first bite is going to be so good, enjoy! 🧡

🤩🤩 amazing!

You are my favourite quote from a book I haven't read.

🥺 i would never

Goodbye, bluewave bots that follow me every time my pinned post gets reskeeted bc it contains the word "relea$e" & your algo thinks it refers to the "f1les"... see you again soon 🫡

cooking is such good therapy 🤗✨

This suburban dad became a warlock using this one weird trick and the Council of Witchcraft hates him for it!

(me, not understanding a ddos attack on bsky): why don't the hackers just sign up for an account, they're free 🤷‍♀️

Pharrell vs Jamiroquai in a hat-off
The winner to represent earth in an interplanetary version of eurovision, but with hats.
Hat.

Who wins in a fight between snap, crackle & pop and bell, biv, devoe? (bra & panties rules)

If you ask for extra spicy at Panda Express do they serve you red pandas or just the regular b&w ones with Szechuan sauce on them?

(marketing team meeting on board the Independence Day alien spaceships): "what if we called it The Improvement Beam?"

non-yout :(

*withdraws bug eating request*

Being pressured by the local youths to eat a bug.

eat it. eat the bug

i got that whatever in me. it's not a dog but some other thing. a rat maybe

4 panel cartoon strip based on great british bake off Panel 1: paul & prue are standing over a cake, a contestant is waiting nervously to be judged. Paul says "the cake looks great but how''s it taste" Panel 2: paul cuts into the cake and says "good layers". "Yes" says prue Panel 3: paul says "it's underbaked & filled with spiders" as spiders emerge from the cake and begin clambering across it and the hosts. "Bit stodgy" says Prue Panel 4: (the hosts, cake and table now covered in spiders)... Paul says "which is a shame because the flavours are lovely". The contestant looks sad and has a tear rolling down their cheek.

😂😂

Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion

😁😂

good morning, time to make sure your teeth are clean and your claws are sharpened

Judging by the flotsam and jetsam it looks like i got home last night by gravitational wave

Deep tissue massage? No, thanks. I was thinking more of a caress than an assault.

✨🤩🤩🤩✨ "gorgedorable"

probly centaurs then
i cannot risk my moves being shown up by lithe snakepeople

i’m a giant,
head in the sky.
as the earth turns,
i chase the sun.

#poetrysky

imma just recruit veronica from fnv & have her carry it all, as usual