Tim Cook is stepping down at Apple. I remember a bit after he took over a headline read “Cook Pledges To Resolve Apple Turnover”

If I could live in any video game it would be Animal Crossing

Had a chafed ass crack so I showered and filled my ass cheeks with Vaseline and i feel so much better, I don’t even care that there’s slime in my ass as long as it’s not sweat

We Hurt People

Counter counterpoint: eat a pile of regular hamburgers like Wimpy in Popeye

If it’s a smash burger then maybe, but if we’re talking platonic ideal fast food burger, the number 1 is better than the number 2

Its funny how lesbians will move in together after a week, but gay couples will be together for a few years and then say something like “he went from the 😚 emoji to the 😘 emoji, so you could say things are starting to get serious”

3 shots of the Matrix (1999), where Neo first gets ejected from his pod and then rescued by the ship

i get the technical reasons why the astronauts have to land in the water, but it's weird that this is really the best technology we have to recover them

Double cheeseburger is too much burger, it overpowers the vegetables

A glory hole is just a big cock ring

I want a house with furniture that has no legs and just floats, it would look so cool

I’m definitely going to listen to them all again, a lot has changed since I had that iPod, I bet it hits different now lol

Based based based, the Thing A Week albums were constantly on rotation when I was in high school, thanks for reminding me of them

“Do you love our app, yes or no” pops up during the most critical part of using the app. You hit “no” as an instinctual reflex. You are then presented with a fucking survey

I don’t know anything about Mr Beast but in every image I’ve seen of him, he’s smiling with only the bottom half of his face. His cheeks do not push into his eyes. It harrows me with fear and wonder.

Im clawing and licking my tablet screen

I’m in love with this robot vacuum like Tom hanks loved that volley ball in the movie where he’s stranded on an island

I jerk off to pizza boy porn but when I order pizza irl I check the little box that says “leave at door” and don’t even look at his face

My posts don’t get a lot of likes but at least Japanese mascots get me

Can’t sleep cos I keep thinking if I was the rat under the chef hat, he woulda been an awful cook and I’d make him go to the club and kiss French gay boys

How Mario sucks my cock

Just ordered one of these puppies, one of those robot vacuum/mop thingies. Can’t wait for it to arrive at my house lol I’m so stoked :)

My magnum opus

A long time ago a friend gave me a stack of porn magazines, like hustler and so on. Was interested for the sake of it being a novelty. I don’t want them anymore lol how do I get rid of them??? It seems like a waste to throw them away…

Oh my god I need to make a sequel comic now

I JUST SAID “I wanna do a number 2” IN THE DRIVE THRU

WHY DID I SAY IT LIKE THAT

❤️

I understand that I am getting old and out of touch and will never understand what the joke is with all the green memes, but please tell me what this song is. There are way to many songs named “moonchild” and I can’t find it

Still can’t believe this is real