Beetlejuice: ITS SHOWTIME

*creeping into the house at 2am careful not to wake anyone*

the dog:

I swear to god if i see another fucking person posting with a pic of their cat or dog i will like it and possibly leave a delightful reply

pretended to make a phone call here

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

btw I’ve never actually gleeked on her but i have gleeked in the air just to prove i could

whenever i want my youngest kid to do something and she’s being defiant i will roll my tongue and raise my brows to her as a threat to gleek on her. works every time

been a while since someone talked about gleeking

Beetlejuice: ITS SHOWTIME

*creeping into the house at 2am careful not to wake anyone*

the dog:

don’t apologize I’m an idiot

what the fuck is a quid?

Touché! I’ve been betting on any site that gives me a boost and I’m winning and losing but overall I’ve won

I’ve actually been winning money too

on the bright side I’ve cut down significantly on sniffing glue

within 4 months of sports gambling becoming legal here i went from not knowing a single nba player to being able to tell you every teams top 3 players in points rebounds and assists

you: *moaning and writhing in pain*

me: [a musician] *quietly trying to find the harmony*

thinking about growing one of those mustaches with the curly ends but idk if i can handle everyone wanting to have sex with me

[watching a pro athlete drop a pass]

me: *eating spaghettios for dinner* “what a loser”

here’s lookin at you skip

sports gambling

sorry I’ve been absent lately.
I realized I was spending too much time on here and not enough time tending to my other, more destructive addictions

i wonder if they are looking up at the sky thinking I’m a piece of shit too

you and me both brother

Still no flying cars. Still cleaning our teeth with strings

*creed starts playing faintly from the cab*

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper's car as he stops for gas] Can you grab me a Coke & a bag of Doritos? Zesty cheese if they have it

sure sex is cool but have you ever blessed the rains down in Africa

Tomorrow morning me is gonna be super pissed at late night bullshit slinging me who apparently cannot be bothered with a bedtime.

1989: your next door neighbors dad has porn on vhs and is shunned as a pervert

2025: the ups guy buys feet pics from your wife

Why do they call it a "restroom" when it's where I practice karate

trumps just mad cuz he can never be pope but pope leo *could* be president