CONCIERGE: welcome to the hotel california

ME: if the hotel is air conditioned it should be called a coldel

CONCIERGE: (to manager) are you sure he can never leave

Stephen Miller's tiny Nazi balls have got to be bluer than a Smurf performing auto-erotic asphyxiation after Donald Trump declared a two week ceasefire

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I went to a costume party dressed as a ticket to the Melania movie but nobody's buyin it

STUDENT TEACHER: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is

KID: you’re an oxymoron

STUDENT TEACHER: well yes technically that is correct

You can't judge a book by its intentionally left blank page.

Santa: on Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, and Nixon. on Comet, on Cu-

Richard Nixon: *dangling from his harness* what the fuck is going on, take me back to hell

TOM PETTY: I won't back down

TOM OPEN-MINDED: I'd consider backing down

THE DONALD J. TRUMP AND THE JEFFREY EPSTEIN FRIENDSHIP HOUSE

SONGWRITER: what should come after ♪deck the halls with boughs of holly

SONGWRITER'S DRUNK ASSISTANT: *chugs twelfth beer* FA LA LA LA LA*falls off stool*LA LA LA LA

COKE: is pepsi okay

DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?

CROW: I was with a group of friends.

COP: And what would you call that group?

CROW: Uh…I want a lawyer

PERSON GASPING FOR AIR: *pushes epi pen into my hand*
ME: I said no autographs

DEFENSE LAWYER: *whispering* whatever you do don’t say you’re guilty
KOOL AID MAN: *nods*
PROSECUTOR: did you do it?
KOOL AID MAN: OH YEAH

the existence of zebras implies the existence of zetitties

[opening a party invitation from Dr Frankenstein]

annnd… it is at build-a-bear. again

Obi-Wan: this kid sucks

Qui-Gon: yeah he puts the mid in midichlorians

Anakin: I heard that

Qui-Gon: I legally own you

Mary Jane: oh no, how did she die

Peter Parker: *remembering how he smothered Aunt May because she said spider-marriage should be between a spider-man and a spider-woman*
green goblin

[in the back of a police car] are you guys mad at me?

“cockadoodledoo”

— Yoda telling Luke what to draw on Han’s face while he’s passed out

i always keep a bat under my bed in case my parents are murdered and I need inspiration to fight crime

INTERVIEWER: it says here you were captain of the debate team

ME: no i wasn’t

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

INTERVIEWER: i see why they made you captain

ME: ♪twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are♪

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: it's a big ball of hot gas that will eventually kill us all

SON: daddy
ME: yes robby
SON: what is this place
ME: this is a bank robby
SON: what
ME: THIS IS A BANK ROBBY
SON:
ME:
SON: why are everyone’s hands up
ME:
SON:
ME: probably cuz of my gun

A group of lions lounging on a dirt road, a safari vehicle is approaching in the background.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: ...
wife: I mean it
me: ...
wife: ...
me: lion there

IGUANA: see you later alligator

ALLIGATOR: (doesn’t know spanish) see you tomorrow iguana

COP: you ran a red light

ME: how could i be running when i’m sitting in my car

COP: you- i- i dont- *mouthing to partner* what do i do

A muppet cannot have an emotion, it can only have had an emotion. That’s because they’re made of felt.

FRIEND: does your dad play any sports

ME: no my dad hates sports

*dad walks in*

DAD: hey there sport