You’re so pressed for time you can’t even watch a video?

Ian K. The Sonic You Go To Is In Duarte By The Target.

So ET the extraterrestrial is in the news again. Yeah apparently he said he won’t follow a trail of Reese’s Pieces out of a shed anymore - he prefers kale chips. Woke! Obviously we all know ET got into some legal trouble this year. I heard he's sharing a cell with Diddy. Yep a cell phone that is - and he won’t be using it to phone home. He’ll be phoning his lawyer! So ET’s latest movie bombed at the box office. Although if you ask Steven Spielberg, it actually walkie-talkied at the box office. These UFOs in New Jersey are pretty crazy, huh? I guess ET’s phone call back home finally got through! And all his friends are here now! So ET’s on Ozempic, right? Can we all acknowledge that? (pause for 10-15 seconds as audience digests my uncomfortable truths) But seriously, I heard he had to change things up after he hopped on Elliott’s bike and they flew down to the Earth’s core! So Taylor Swift’s Eras tour finally ended. Yeah it took longer than it took for ET to get home from Earth back to his home planet! Yep!

Hey thanks for all the kind words everyone. It was my first time hosting but I think I did a pretty good job. Btw these are all the jokes that I wasn’t allowed to tell at the Golden Globes.

She did it that way on purpose. She didn’t want to create a fire hazard

Buying it for cheap to flip to a polio non-profit in two years.

You’re the man, Mitch hell yea

Datsyuk was the most entertaining hockey player of the last 25 years probably

i was watching Pacific Rim again last night and one thing that I really liked about it is when they had the big evil monsters fucking everything up they just straight up killed them instead of letting them do whatever. BLAM! Dead monster. Simple as

when trump had the election fraud hotline thing after the election i called probably 100 times but 4 or 5 times i called and put on this old country boy accent and did this long preamble about how i went to the polling place that ended with me telling them i saw a dog standing up like a man voting

I bet RFK Jr nutting sounds like when you accidentally vacuum up a coin bsky.app/profile/phil...

bsky.app/profile/stef... not to mention this trash

Big part of my high school life was drinking enough soda so that I could recycle the cans for enough cash for a Mancino’s grinder (18 inch sandwich for $5, at the time)… I can understand the impulse

standing in the doorway, waiting for my wife to get off her call so i can tell her that i broke the glass plate in the microwave

Eyeballing Jack Reacher right now. Big guy, obviously, but I don't think he sees me coming. As a henchman, this is the sort of moment that makes or breaks your career. I think I should go for it.

Pumpkin hoop

About to get thrown out of here for obvious reasons

I’m contributing $500,000 to your election campaign in appreciation of this post. Thank you!

occult scientists pointed the James Webb space telescope towards Hell itself and took a photograph of the dancing baby from ally mcbeal way down at the bottom of the infinite dark. hang in there, baby!

Rest in piss you old dumbass