Don't even tell me about the pride and leave out the part about the prejudice.

Don't even tell me about the heights unless they're wuthering

Angrily emailing burt because the lip balm i just ate tastes like artificial bees

ACAB includes Ring cameras, ppl.

Humans are social creatures and I hate that for us

Party like it's my birthday? You mean screaming at the top of my lungs and covered in someone else's blood?

DO NOT TAKE DEATHSYRUM IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO DEATHSYRUM OR IF DEATHSYRUM HAS ALREADY KILLED YOU

You’d think that always being right would be enjoyable.

a list of irritating oxymorons

1. work family

that is all

look, the sign says “free range chicken”

cashier: sir, you still have to pay for it

The oof is strong in this one

Them: Would you rather-

Me: No I wouldn't

Meth lab is short for method acting labradoodles.

Don't you go wuthering my heights

Rolled up to the archery range and who do I see but Cupid practicing for the big day.

The worst thing a species can be is delicious.

So hungry I nearly ate a rice cake.

As far as the “it’s okay to be white” crowd? Not the way you’re doing it, pal.

Welcome to your 50’s

Your body parts now predict the weather

if banana were spelled like mississippi it would be bannannanna

i’m not sure anyone born after gen x truly grasps the value of early, unguided childhood anxiety training

A Netflix style skip intro button but for workdays.

Hire an accordionist to start playing at family gatherings when you want to signal the guests it’s time for them to leave.

The freeze-ray factory is much more chill

yippie kayak motherfucker

for personal reasons, I will be slipping into the forest in the dead of night

Live your life in such a way that your death is not cause for an international celebration

omg girl you don’t need a nose job, you’re beautiful just the way you are

*me, drunk talking to an opossum

my son asked for a charcuterie board instead of a cake for his birthday and I’m pretty sure I’m the only parent to ever be asked that

I’m at my most offended when my cat cleans himself after I pet him