If you're not masturbating to me, I can only assume you're masturbating against me.

Shark week is the safest week to go to the beach because the sharks are busy being on TV.

a man with a beard is speaking into a microphone with the words acknowledge me below him ALT: a man with a beard is speaking into a microphone with the words acknowledge me below him

Straight conservative white men during pride month

Me going through Seattle grindr looking for t girl bottoms

"you're crazy"

God forbid a girl keep up a family tradition

That is indeed a hard sell.

Listen, I don't care if the Pope is from Chicago, I'm still not drinking Malort.

Sure, I'm seeing a 24 year old puppy girl but she's 168 in dog years, so really it's her preying on me.

She said she can't sub to someone who wears a Tom Brady jersey.

I've never been this determined before.

At the behest of my medical team and the @tacobell.bsky.social legal team, I have retired The Sauce Bag since I can no longer state what year the sauce is from with any sort of conviction.

It's honestly not fair that I get to look like this while still absolutely laying pipe like I'm the third Mario brother.

Just posting some bait so I can get wrapped up in one of those Seattle T4T polycules

You ever go on a date, get home, sit back, and realize you are completely fucked?

No reason, just asking

I love feeling represented in literature! (reading the dsm-v right now)

I'm autistic. Of course I would love having a train run on me.

Utter woke nonsense

Dodge this

I got a new puppy!

Working on training buttons for Bagel. What do you think?

So, was someone gonna tell me that trans milfs were in vogue now? I've been sitting here having a mid life crisis, and you're just gonna not tell me that all of the sudden I'm in high demand?

He's so perfect and derpy! I'm in panic mode puppy proofing my apartment, but he's coming home to a royal welcome

A week and a half and then Bagel is coming home!

that... actually helps a lot lol

Just made an appointment to get my Real ID license, just as I read an article about a trans woman having all of her documentation seized when she went to renew her passport so I'm really scared lol

Someone talk me down, I'm gonna crash out here

Do I know anyone in Kansas City Missouri?

What a fucking perfect response lol

When you think about it, tapeworms are just nature's Ozempic

If I knew how to backflip, I'm pretty sure that would just be my response to anything.

What would reverse taxidermy look like?

Update, her flight home got canceled so she's just gonna live with me until Wednesday lmao