kind of time sensitive though

ai model that misunderstood my depraved and completely unnecessary request: you're absolutely right!
me: it's true. i am absolutely right

(eating a pill i found on the floor of the club bathroom) hope it's a placebo. i don't need any effects right now

Oh my god. Oh my god babe. I'm on cnn․com and (checks door is closed so kids can't hear) the minions died.

Lady at the farm stand wouldn’t sell me betel nuts because she said I have a child’s soul

talking about favorite tv shows at a party and seeing how long i can get away with calling it "twin peeps" until someone loses their cool

delivered! driver left package in dark hole with water

inexplicably wearing a beret in all of today's work zooms

wandering around the house muttering “Whew… Tough day…” and “Sure could go for a cold one right now…” or “Ugh… So thirsty…” until the player controlling me lets me reach into my inventory for a beer

sean evans wrapping up my hot ones episode: this camera, this camera, this camera, tell the people what you got going on in your life
me (cheerfully): nothing. absolutely nothing at all

i do not in fact "contain multitudes". i contain primarily chicken nuggets and anxiety

when a dog is wearing a collar with little cartoon bones on it...that is Fashion

using my powerful intellect to rotate a single chocolate Teddy Graham within my mind's eye

[yelling over everyone at a politician's town hall meeting] no one has ever actually eaten a ferrero rocher

me (checking my phone): ok if i fall asleep right now i'll get 4 hours before my alarm goes off
my brain:

precious moments figurines are funko pops for grandmas

this is specifically for @bvigeant.bsky.social

coworker: man this weekend was wild
me (wearing a jean jacket, a little bit louder than is appropriate): OH YEA?

You know where you won’t see a series of increasingly worrisome headlines? Inside my hollow tree ever since the wifi went out because I chewed through a wire

This is weird, but maybe helpful for other folks: I've been struggling with a persistent ringing in my ears for months, and finally scheduled an appointment to get it checked out. The doctor found a tiny experimental noise band in there. Little table full of gear, bunch of cables and everything

pierooooooo

Sorry I lost your dog, he hit a speed boost arrow & that’s the last I saw him

my face when [doleful sound of the wind howling through a metal door left ajar]

i have...so many thoughts

don't let her take that thing to goodwill, that's how horror movies start

NFTs were a bubble, AI is a bubble, but small carvings of large hipped women have remained popular with unsettling lighthouse keepers for 200 years, invest with confidence

the all-new, fully redesigned 2025 homie

is anybody else's amulet glowing

[message from your dasher]
hey is it cool if i haunt your dreams a lil bit

person i just met at a party: so what do you do for work?
me (wincing): computer,