Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

I got up so early this morning it was still yesterday

I eat bran cereal every morning I guess I'm just a regular guy

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

I never make the same mistakes twice, I make it five or six times just to be sure.

I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

According to WebMD, I'm Sick & Tired of people.

By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck?
Milk and quackers.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
It's cold outside and I love you

There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru

I’m a responsible person. People are always saying “I know you’re responsible for this.”

The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Artificial plants grow best in artificial light

What do you call a cow bouncing on a trampoline.. A dairy air.

Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.

That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there's no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?

The kids text me "plz" Because it's shorter than "please". I text back "no" because it's shorter than "yes"

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Some people are like a newspaper, every day they have a new issue.

Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning.