So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

A round, fried hors d'oeuvre sits on a plate with a shocked expression. It is surrounded by others like it, except for an empty spot next to it.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

My local gas station must be run by stoners because they’re charging $4.20 today.

Five raccoons sit on corner bench seating around a table.

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

I liked your post disliking yourself for liking my post.

There’s little that can reduce you to tears quite so exquisitely as the right piece of music at just the right time.

That said, a well timed football to the testicles does come close though.

This day in history. 1968. British Conservative MP Enoch Powell delivered his Rivers of Blood speech against immigration from Commonwealth countries and anti-racism legislation. Party leader Edward Heath demoted him the next day but he did receive the Football Association Peace Prize.

[health app on my phone]

did you sign your will motherfucker?

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and other aesthetic-related freak eye injuries.

Telling colorful & compelling tales of roadkill genitalia harvesting makes RFK Jr. a raccoonteur.

On a foggy early morning walk through my quiet suburban town today, I watched as other trudging figures began slowly emerging from the mist, and suddenly I felt like I was a member of the cast of a zombie apocalypse film comprised exclusively of middle-aged white guys.

This day in history. 1518. Bona Sforza was crowned queen consort to Polish king Sigismund I the Old. The name Bona can mean good-looking but she was not bona. In fact when a marriage was proposed for her to young Federico Gonzaga, his mother bit the matchmaker.

A striped cat appears to be “yelling” at a kitten with the exact same coloring. The kitten’s eyes are wide open and their ears pinned back.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

In retrospect, naming our band Sold Out was a terrible idea.

Alex the cat fast asleep on me

he always does this. now i'm going to have to explain what happened in the movie while he was asleep

A tank top under a tank top is an emotional support tank top

"You're just a layabout who thinks he knows everything."

"It's lieabout."

An excited dog sits next to a scowling cat in a bicycle basket.

“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So awesome!”

“You are SO immature.”

This day in history. 1680. Mohawk saint Kateri Tekakwitha died near Montreal. Her spirit form however kept popping up for several weeks in front of her friends shouting PEEKABOO and BOOGA BOOGA.

I would do well as a Jeopardy! contestant if before responding to a clue I could spend a couple of minutes saying, “It’ll come to me.”

i like that dogs and cats can find unity in something as simple as hating squirrels

This day in history. 1966. Monty Python's Michael Palin married Helen Gibbins. The maid of honour maintained her poise when rather than catching a bouquet of flowers she was slapped in the face with a rather ripe halibut.

As an adult, I have made peace with the idea that my parents must have had sex, but as an only child, I am comforted by the fact that it was just the one time.

i've learned that honesty is the best policy when i'm summoned by HR but also to be carefully vague

I just heard a coworker saying ‘and then I opened the door and there were penises everywhere’.

I’ve no idea what she was talking about but I’m guessing it wasn’t the gateway to Narnia.

To retire comfortably the average American male needs to have saved at least 500,000 raccoon penises.

been with bluesky for a couple of years now but it’s been going down on me so often it feels like we just started dating

If you have to ask how much gas costs, you can't afford it

"I'm not upset," my wife said, digging a large rectangular hole in the backyard.