I absolutely love you both.

except me

except me

Never trust an excellent kisser.

finding a balance between vanilla and
fart in my dick hole

time travel via songs

if I knew hot people could still feel depressed and unloved I would have chosen to be smart instead

I do the exact same thing.

It never fails. I text myself a little reminder and my immediate reaction is who the fuck is this now.

life passing me by sounds pretty good right now

a woman in a black dress holds a glass of water ALT: a woman in a black dress holds a glass of water

Daaaaaam.

I’ll be your bf, bby

If you play you’re cards right…

Neither have I. I’m a goddamn liar and I’ve blocked for less.

sup 😏

Ovulating so hard that I’d fuck somebody even after they texted “your so beautiful”

BLT stands for But Lettuce's Tasteless

Exhausted²

Get rich quick scheme: everytime a man does some dumb shit he has to Venmo me $50

Successfully mediocre

(deep sigh) ok i can't believe i have to say this out loud (again):

TALKING ON YOUR PHONE IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM IS DOUCHY. AND GROSS.

Wife: we need to talk

Me: RATE LIMIT EXCEEDED

People who say "your ass is mine" know very little about my stubborn and deeply annoying ass

[me] hey can you make some coffee

[coffeemaker] sure

[me] hey can you wash the dishes

[dishwasher] sure

[me] hey can you print this page

[printer] lmao who do you think you are

I continue to say stupid shit on this app for likes

thigh bruises, as a treat

All new employees must answer 3 riddles from the troll who lives in the boiler room. If you fail all 3, you go directly into management.

Man. That’s no joke. I was so fucking scared when I moved to NC and these folks put me at ease immediately. Somehow leaving them is harder than leaving my job of 17 years back in FL ❤️

Ohhhhh stop. You are!! Thank you, sweetness. Hope you’re doing well! 😘