The Normandy packed with marines for a para-drop. A private glances around the ship, looking for competent marines. Unfortunately, he joined the colonial marines...there ARE no competent people around

PRIVATE looks for a MARINE who "HAS IT TOGETHER" finds ZERO, and sits down like a MAN who just ACCEPTED his FATE. Welcome to the team, kid. That’s the FIRST STEP to TRUE TACTICAL ENLIGHTENMENT. Secure your PARACHUTE, it's DROP-TIME

Private realizes during the briefing that they are actually deploying, and not just celebrating the commanding officer's cat's birthday.

PRIVATE just asked if this briefing was for the CO’s cat’s birthday. My guy, we’re here for a COMBAT DEPLOYMENT, not a PET PARTY, but if you’re this EAGER for cake, maybe we should PROMOTE you to HEAD OF SNACK LOGISTICS.

A picture of a private and a newly enlisted medic talking. The private shares his wisdom:"if you get hit by a car, just heal yourself, its that easy."...so true, marine 🥲

This is the level of revolutionary, self-care strategy I have to deal with. This Private is a TREMENDOUS THINKER! Why did the Corps spend billions building medbays on every ship when the answer was that simple? ABSOLUTELY unbelievable

You need to look GLAMOROUS while you're getting eaten alive.
It's all about the brand image!

An image of the combat information center. The XO is sitting in the bubble on the right while a staff officer facing him exclaims "captain sir, the xenos are turning our forces into statistics!!" A total disaster...

Just got word from Solaris. Apparently, the XO didn't notice the xenos were just rotating, causing mass-cas after mass-cas. An officer had to run up and say: "sir, the xenos are turning our forces into statistics!" THANK GOD I was on vacation. This kind of disaster only happens when I'm not around.

An injured marine got dragged all the way from the east front to the west front, where all the medics were. The person dragging the wounded marine says its just a "tactical redeployment to the west front" and not a lack of medical personel.

Pure genius! Why say we ran out of medics on the east front when you can just drag wounded marines to the west and say you're executing a HIGHLY strategic redeployment? That kind of battlefield wit deserves a promotion. The chaos that requires it, however, is a TOTAL disaster.

A picture of a rifleman telling the psichological horror they are subjected to. "Our SL said everyone who hits a friendly has to tell their mom."

A squad leader came up with a GENIUS new plan to curb friendly fire: make the marines call their mothers. Forget the brig, this is TRUE psychological warfare! The THREAT of disappointing Mom is the only thing that works on these clowns. BRILLIANT! I need to promote this man IMMEDIATELY.

A marine quoting Sun Tzu on the lifeboat, moments before dropping his armor. "The naked man fears no pickpocket"

I've heard some things in this job, but this is a new low. Is this a TACTICAL INSIGHT or a cry for help? Either way, secure your sidearm, marine. And put on some pants. You're an embarrassment to the Corps. UNBELIEVABLE.

Scotty staring at the private with a look of utter disbelief.

Private Stanley! What in the GODS name are you doing with that Queen?! Private Stanley! Did you just...tame a Xenomorph Queen? That is not authorized! That is not authorized at all! Private Stanley, get back to your squad leader IMMEDIATELY! You are a disgrace to the Corps, Private Stanley!

A marine saluting with two chairs as officers enter the briefing hall.

I ask for a simple salute during briefing, and this is what I get. Using two foldable chairs for some kind of... ARTISTIC INTERPRETATION. We have a WAR on, not a talent show! UNBELIEVABLE. #MilitaryDiscipline #ThislsFine

Scotty Willey standing over the TAC-MAP, saying "In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity".

True wisdom isn't knowing the enemy. It's knowing which of your own officers is going to cause the most DAMAGE. Gotta be smart to survive the chain of command. A REAL burden, frankly. #BigBrain #CommandWisdom

Scotty and the Lieutenant Colonel sitting on the Alamo, on the way to the colony. He seems to be busy on his tablet

Scotty looks over at the Lieutenant Colonel. He is actually scrolling Twitter 😬

So, the Lieutenant Colonel is "strategically" deploying to the colony. I glance over, expecting some IMPORTANT tactical review, right?

me(captain Scotty) explaining the major my plan in the CIC

I TRIED to explain my FLANKING plan to a certain major. A very SIMPLE plan, really. He didn't listen. The front became a COMPLETE disaster because the xenos flanked US. Some people just don't get it. You either FLANK, or you get flanked. #TacticalDecisions #CommandLife

Captain Scotty's biggest fan marching around with the BEAUTIFUL flag of the United Americas. She is singing a military march song, well known in the Neroid Sector: "Left, right, stomp that ground, Scotty Willey's back in town! Baton raised, cap held high. Lead us strong, do or die"

The XO was a COMPLETE disaster on LV-522 trying to rescue FORECON. Panicked over a few
casualties while there were only 3 xenos left. He made a TERRIBLE call and evacuated the marines. I had to take command, redeploy and finish the job myself. Absolutely PATHETIC. #FixingTheirMistakes #Leadership

Oh, "tired sleepy?" I've never had that problem. I just... strategically rest my eyes. It's part of a top-secret training regimen for MAXIMUM tactical brilliance. The troops wouldn't understand. #Unmatched

Captain Scotty Willey analyzing the tacmap after arriving late to the CIC. He was told not long after that the battle is actually won. #CantStopWinning #Leadership #Victory

Just got to the CIC. Had a quick look at the TACMAP and made a BRILLIANT strategic decision. Took me all of ten seconds. Turns out, I arrived late and the battle was already over, a COMPLETE victory. You're welcome, marines. You wouldn't have won without my GENIUS presence. #CantStopWinning

Scotty growling like a dog after someone touched his console

My console! The BEST console on this ship, believe me. And other officers, they just come in and TOUCH it. It's a TOTAL DISASTER! Nobody respects anything anymore. Very, very SAD! #MyConsole #HandsOff

Looks like someone's making swiss cheese. Just how I like my Xenos. Keep that trigger down, marine. #CM13 #Smartgunner

Daytime? Too many witnesses. We prefer tactical obscurity. Less paperwork that way. You're welcome. #CM13 #TacticalDecision #Efficiency

39 years. Some lessons you never forget. And some threats never go away. Stay sharp. #CM13 #HistoryRepeats

My ship's coffee machine has a better safety record than most civilian stations. Our problems in the Colonial Marines usually include more claws and acid. #SS13 #CM13

Water maps?! In ss13?!?! Looks like a serious undertaking. Good work on those. #SS13 #Impressive

Heard about Joe Dafoe. Demoted from Major to Captain on "made up accusations." A real American HERO treated like dirt. This is a damn DISGRACE. #JusticeForDafoe

Who needs 17 metal?

Just heard from Doc. Mid-surgery, some private bursts in with metal sheets in his hand, asking "Who needs 17 metal?" Unbelievable. We're supposed to be professionals. This crew, I swear. #MarineLife #SeriouslyMarines

Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise. Command decided to acknowledge my... continued existence. Guess they finally realized that if you want something done right, you give it to the guy whos already doing everything right. Dont worry, Im sure this rank wont inflate my ego or my ammo req forms. Much.