Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I'm gonna put no

Me: ok

doctor: get ready to say "aah"

me: why are we on the roof

KID: hey mister can i pet your dog?

ME: sure kid

KID: what kind is he?

ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt

Me: There's no lamb

Chef: Then grill the chicken

Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there

[interrupting opponent during rap battle] That’s not my name. No one calls me that

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn't it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here

[restaurant]

waiter: would you like water?

me: yes please

waiter: still?

me: I literally just said yes

LAUREN BACALL: you just put your lips together and blow

HUMPHREY BOGART: *holding nintendo cartridge* i know how to get it to work lauren

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn't it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here

Wife: use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*

McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

Me: how do I do my taxes

Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance

[making pizza rolls]

instructions: heat them up

me: yes

instructions: let them cool

me: no

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known

Me: Yes, I wrote that

Bouncer at exclusive underground club: what's the secret handshake?

Me: [does the secret handshake]

Bouncer: and your 2-factor authentication?

Me: [pulling out hamster, who also does the secret handshake]

Bouncer: come on in

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]

me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit

Merry Christmas everyone!

It's a fair answer tbh

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

MARY: i think the baby is coming

JOSEPH: *watching die hard* oh man but this is the best part

female mantis: pray, love, eat

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me?”

-guy who invented sports

Happy birthday!

911: what is your emergency

ME: i need a hug

911: hold please

Doctor: you suffer from delusions

Me: I don't think so

Doctor: they seem real but they're not

Stuart Little: he's lying to you

Me: I know

Doctor: you suffer from delusions

Me: I don't think so

Doctor: they seem real but they're not

Stuart Little: he's lying to you

Me: I know

Me: Is this your first time speed-crying?

Him: You mean speed-dating?

Me: [already crying]