Dear small line of dirt that won’t go into the dustpan,
I hate you with every part of my soul.

I’m very good at playing Operation, so much so that I recently overheard my wife telling one of her friends that I never even touch the sides.

I checked one little notification and now all of a sudden I’m not allowed to wear my phone holster during sex.

[during sex]
Me: “Yeah, you like that?”
Her: “Mmhmm, yeah”
Me: *stopping abruptly and pointing at her mood ring* “Then why is that white?”

Dad: “Please help find my daughter”
Detective: “What does she look like?”
Dad: *scrolling through 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters* “I D… I DON’T KNOW”

I went to have my palm read. The psychic said “I can see you’ve run out of bread, milk and eggs”. I said “Sorry, wrong way up”.

TOPTIP: Make a savoury Sherbet Dib Dab by simply dipping a pepperami in a dry Cup-a-Soup.

I started a postal guitar repairing service. I had to stop when I received several frets in the mail.

I’m quite lazy really. In fact I just eat the middle section of Mars bars just to make me rest.

Busy day learning the HMRC hold music on guitar.

I absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my Brita filter that I haven’t changed in five years.

Can anyone recommend a mind-reading class? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I read a few months ago that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just re-read the article and it turns out you’re supposed to eat them.

The world’s biggest Barbara Streisand fan died today in a fire. Police say she was so badly burned that she could only be identified by her Yentl records.

Due to a typo in a text message, I’ve just come home to find my wife wearing scampi underwear.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the station.

[watching porn with my wife]
Her: “We should try that”
Me: *already on the phone* “One large pepperoni please“

I’ve just been laying down a few tracks in the studio with U2. I’ll say one thing for Bono, he loves Scalextric.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse, and using it strategically.

Typically busy gym today, which meant I had to wait quite a while to use my favourite machine. On the plus side, when I finally got on it, it accidentally dispensed two Kit Kats.

Last night I saw a sign in the pub that said ‘In Case of Fire – Break Glass’. My beer went everywhere and the pub still burnt down.

Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors. Every time I knocked, I thought “Damn, they’ve already got one”.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I’ve got a new job where I give people paper to put in the bin. Management prefer to call it “Handing out leaflets”.

Ten reasons I lost my job writing clickbait. You won’t believe number one.

FUNFACT: If you’re wearing a top hat and a cape while sawing someone in half, they can’t charge you with murder.

Therapist: “How would you describe your relationship with your wife?”
Me: “She told me to tell you it’s fine”

My doctor recommend not drinking alcohol for two days in a week. Very sensible. Now I just have to decide which week.

Recently my gym put a sign up about people grunting and it was clearly aimed at me. I’m sorry but I can’t help having to grunt and if you don’t like it, don’t come into the toilet with me.

I used to go out with a Yorkshire girl who affectionally called me ‘Tintin’, because that was what she always said during sex.