even though we are in a fight, I saved a funny post to send you later.

my sick burn in the comment section of a racist post in a neighborhood fb group is getting some traction.

feeling a little down, how about some music.

black box recorder: “life is unfair / kill yourself or get over it.”

oh no.

my lawyers will be in touch.

contact me to talk about child support.

immaculate conception. it happened before.

always stocked in this house.

I’m so proud.

my beautiful baby boy. #boymom #costco

Don’t you ever talk to me or my son again.

I looked at four different mommy-and-me yoga videos and all of the women were insufferable.

bro.
is it gay to fuck women?

this is cursed.

fuck around and hurt your own feelings, pussy.

cycle tracking app: your period is in three days and that’s a threat.

wife: (after being annoying all day) are you just going to murder me someday?

me: yes. you’ll see it coming.

wife: really?

me: not in a way that helps you escape. I just want you to know it’s happening.

leaving a lipstick ring on the mouth of the pepto bismal bottle 💅

wife: cream cheese is kinda gross.

me: (aggressively to the barista) spread it like you are frosting a fucking cake.

I wish all my enemies a life time of putting on a too-small sports bra while still damp from the shower.

A friendship bracelet loom thing. *slaps roof* You could make a lot of bracelets with this baby.

if I had this I would have so many friends

quote skeet with a picture of graffiti from your phone.

sub-posting my wife so she gives me attention.

so do we not do news on this app? i refuse to go on X but i am missing the live updates.

cunty dog in a trailer park kinda way

the cigarette mom who calls everyone sweetie and lets you have wine coolers

me: yeah it’s cool to be the oldest, but you watch the love you get being slowly divided smaller and smaller amongst your siblings and cousins

my toddler: kitty

highly recommend logging off sometimes an d having gay sex

bitchin camero rt if u agree

before weed: it would be nice if I died.

after weed: what a lovely fall day :)

woman not interested in working but very interested in buying stuff.