There’s only one person who can get Bluesky working again:

Not bad. Not too bad at all. #ArtemisII

So… did we miss anything?

Whitmore from the Rose Garden: “While #PresidentsDay commemorates those who have held this office, it is best honored by remembering the acts those men have carried out to push forward democracy in search of a more perfect union & in an effort to make our nation & our world better for all mankind.”

As a gesture of peace and goodwill, President Whitmore has sent his congratulations to President Skroob on the successful completion of the latest Spaceball project. The White House looks forward to enjoying the final product and hopes it arrives with “ludicrous speed.”

Haven’t seen a group of Senators bail on their constituents like this since the ‘96 Crime Bill.

President Whitmore advises that Ms. Leavitt should watch along with him and take notes on how a real president and press secretary not only work with the media, but also become the most popular administration ever by embracing science and saving humanity.

President Whitmore’s campaign manager is the best in the business.

We have no confirmation whether President Whitmore has attempted to make communication, though a source tells us that he IS in possession of tortillas.

This is 90% of the way to the annual announcement of Mayor Berry’s visit to Colombia. Just a few shenanigans up on the Cape from really hitting home with this one.

In a statement from the White House press room, President Whitmore debunks former Defense Secretary Al Nimziki’s alleged plans to…

*checks notes*

…build a nuclear reactor…

*checks notes again*

…on the moon.

The President can neither confirm nor deny that Marshall transfer WR Randy Moss escaped containment from the alien army two weeks ago.

Only America has ever had any success in operations outside of this atmosphere.

And after today, we remain undefeated.

#ElbowsUp, but come on…

P.S. Apologies to Adam Crowley at 93.7 The Fan in Pittsburgh. Didn’t mean for you to drain the bank account in a panic during the break Wednesday morning. #GoBuccos

It's been a super fun seven years, and it gets better every single time out. Hope we're all together again in 2026. See y'all later!

Happy #IndependenceDay!

#ID4

Thanks to EVERYONE following and playing along. New followers & the OG’s.

This doesn't happen without you, reskeets, comments, word of mouth.

The comments and reactions from y’all are what makes this whole thing fun. And worth it. Otherwise, it’s just scripted tweets.

And as the good Reverend would say, "Why we're on this particular mission, we'll never know. But I do know, here today, that the Black Knights will emerge victorious once again."

As always, pour a few out for the incomparable Robert Loggia and the always underrated James Rebhorn. Masters of their craft. Made everything they touched better. Absolute legends.

Those guys weren’t bad. They weren’t too bad at all.

Biggest ups to Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin for the awesome source material. These shenanigans, malarkey, and tomfoolery obviously doesn’t happen without them. The writing, the characters, the whole thing - it’s PERFECT for this medium.

As always, hat tip to @WendyPrater.bsky.social for giving me this concept. She had no idea what she was getting into 17 yrs ago!

Hey, go book a cruise vacation with her and ask her about the WHITMORE SPECIAL for discounts on your next deposit!

The guy handling the tweet to tweet content is @mdwdfw.bsky.social and as a North Carolina kid, I take SERIOUS issue with Hiller’s use of the word “barbecue” - the word I’m looking for is “cookout.” It's a cookout, dammit.

#GoHeels. Go Canes. #RaiseUp

[play dramatic score]
[audience cheers]
[fireworks]
[ballyhoo]
[open sodas]
[streamers and kazoos]
[toss beers]
[crack beers]
[drink beers]
[pop champagne]
[all that stuff]

*ROLL CREDITS*

Today, we heed the words of President Thomas Whitmore, and we celebrate.

This is a testament to American ingenuity & the U.S. military, who at only 15% capacity, took out the greatest threat civilization has ever seen in approximately 36 hrs. This is Yorktown, D-Day, Iwo Jima, and Macho Grande all wrapped into one.

Who knows what sort of health risks the future brings? Perhaps the aliens brought a virus strain that will activate in 24 yrs? Or maybe one of the aliens will hang around and mutate into our future Director of Health & Human Services.

But what are the odds of any of that?

Millions of people were murdered by this invading ARMADA and countless more were injured and incapacitated. The events of the past two days constitute the greatest mass death event since the Black Plague, which lasted 7-8 years - not 48 hours.

Second is absolutely that this account was able to provide thrilling updates and analysis for a SEVENTH straight yr, complete with a Twitter/Bluesky SIMULCAST! Considering the autopilot went out on the scheduler at 10am today, we had to manually land the plane. Good thing it didn’t happen overnight.