My daughter was being really annoying running around with an open umbrella inside so I said, “Don’t do that, it’s bad luck,” and that’s when I had a “dropping the coffee mug” moment

Seeing Obama never sparks any joy for me, sorry

Damn, must have been hard for Hannity to abandon all his strongly held Catholic values

We've uncovered what might be the biggest case of petition fraud in NYC's history, and now I'm taking my opponent to court.

100% agree with this but also I finally experienced the *Houston Tunnels* this week and I am not prepared to ever experience that again

Placentular

Ok but for real it would actually be very funny and pretty indicative of our approach to issues as a global race if we nuked Godzilla, which resulted in two more kaiju, and so on, exponentially growing

Tokyo is destroyed but we at least discovered the Subtractive Identity Property

Reflecting on “Godzilla Minus Zero” written on a whiteboard, tentatively picking up the marker, writing

—————————
Godzilla

I was in the section at a ballgame tonight where I watched a kid coax us into doing the wave over and over until it caught on and went around the stadium eight times. I now believe that anything is possible if we really want it

The GAP closure is going to be incredibly unsafe for residents as it hinders the ability for emergency vehicles to get through, which is why I’m submitting for consideration my plan to turn Prospect Park and everything for a mile around it into a superhighway.

Ok this is good and hygienic but also one of my favorite memories with my friends is being drunk on the street and pushing each other into piles of garbage piled high with snow. This is what they are taking away from us

I used to live about 2 minutes from the street he’s talking about and I also have a car. At no point in the 5 years I lived there did I ever leave my car double parked and especially not double parked in a bike lane. I found parking/street cleaning in that area to be a PITA but that was MY problem

Feels like a Passover reference, in which case 🖕

First of all how dare you

Paul F. Tompkins skeet: DID YOU KNOW? Tofu takes on the flavors of what it’s cooked with but defiantly retains its absolutely gruesome texture and also the flavors thing is a lie! NOW YOU KNOW!

All your favs are problematic

If I were giving notes on “Long December” it would be for the lyric “And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls”. What feeling is that, exactly? Because I love oysters, and I am never disappointed when I order them and there aren’t any pearls.

We’re definitely losing our deposit

They changed the headline since to say that no one at the Waffle House he said he teleported to remembers him. I don’t know if either is better. Like, rather than winking and looking at debunking it through investigative reporting, wouldn’t the more interesting angle be *why* he might lie?

I thought people come together for Beetlejuice

The content machine around the Amanda/West stuff is starting to expose greater issues with society and our general ability to interact with reality. I just saw a post that said they thought Amanda and West have been hooking up since June and the proof was that Amanda posted “I broke my Wedding Vows”

I’m at the Rockets game where literally every giveaway is hitting for free fast food. Anyone in this crowd who cashes in on all of it will not see the morning

Every time I looked up this line after the song came out (which I did multiple times), the first google result was a blog someone wrote about how stupid the line is and compared it to “Ive got butt but I’m not a butler.”

Any idea if it was filmed already?

Immediately went to West’s story and disappointed they went with a joint statement

Everyone quiet, the highest ranking members of the Gigantic Loser Spineless Party know how to fix things!

The “death by hanging” thing sounds particularly grim…unless you’ve been checking this space for the last 2 1/2 years

I would expect nothing less from the author of The Martian

I just saw the account of the guy who sings to people in public for the gram and I’d like to change my vote in the @hellgatenyc.com bracket

Guys, i’m going to my parents’ house next weekend so expect me to hit you up with another bag of closer to newborn clothes…