My body is so lumpy that if I were a mummy I’d look like someone with shaky hands tried to roll a cigarette

joy: you don’t owe me anything

beethoven: what

People used to say that a kid “just wants attention” and then pat themselves on the back for successfully dismissing a tiny human expressing signs of distress

woke up ready to fight god*

*very hungry, in need of protein

I swear, I get a full-body tinglies when I discover new music that I really like. It's the coolest feeling.

My dad has been dead almost fifteen years but I take comfort in knowing that he’s as proud of me as he’s ever been

The paradox of being overweight but still not feeling like enough

wetting my dries (putting on my oils)

I'm not sure I will be able to listen to Disney's The Lion King in the same way for a while.

When Simba is trying to get Mufasa to wake up?? That's how I felt seeing my father after he passed.

MY GOD.

“The Lion King” is off-limits if you’re in the Dead Dads Club. I rewatched it on a flight to Europe a good 10 years after my dad died, and that was some full fledged ugly crying up there.

If Bob Dole had been easily distracted the timeline would be way different

We need younger people in government because it’s way easier to get meds for erectile dysfunction than executive dysfunction

I love having ADHD because feeling ashamed is my comfort zone

I date people who are messy because dumpster fires are hot

I found a gentle breeze in my drafts folder. I hate it when I misfile things.

British joke writing coach: If you want bangers, you got to grind a lot of sausage, innit?

Sometimes I think letting people who don’t care about human misery run things was a bad idea

this is one of the main failures of post apocalyptic stories, particularly The Walking Dead

those who believe the only thing that keeps people from murdering each other is the existence of laws are the ones telling on themselves

humans have only ever survived through cooperation

every night at 11pm, in an effort to tell me to "go to bed," my phone drains itself of color like one of the dying. and every night, instead of going to bed *or* turning the feature off, i get mad about it

I just heard “human cloning” as Hume Cronyn.

People want meaning out of life but aren’t even willing to put in the work to get blood from a turnip

The meaning of life— like that’s going to help.

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first date idea: you come over and take the trash out for me bc im sleepy

to defeat math you need to think like a number

Me: ...at the time we lived in a gay neighborhood

12YO: "Gay neighborhood?"

15YO: It's a neighborhood that's attracted to another neighborhood of the same gender

Waving a net around and seeing what words I can catch and pin to the wall

controversial opinion, but a lot of people are really great and cool, online

the great snacksby

im going to make plans to go out next week because future me has likely pissed me off and deserves it